Testicle Eating Fish Could Be Heading For The UK

By : Alex Watt |


pacu 2Wikimedia

In news which will make you never want to visit Britain’s rivers ever again, let alone take a dip in them, reports suggest that piranha-like fish which enjoy chowing down on testicles could soon make their way to the UK.

It sounds like something straight out of a SyFy made-for-TV movie but, it’s all true, there are actually fish out there which do this, because nature is fucking terrifying.

The Pacu, also dubbed ‘The Nut Cracker’ and ‘The Ball-Cutter’, has human-like teeth and their main point of attack is the male testes.

pacu 1Wikimedia

According to the Mirror, the South American fish could easily rip off a man’s private parts, which is all kinds of NOPE.

Pacu are known for cracking seeds and nuts that drop off overhead trees into the water with their powerful jaws but they’re also quite fond of chomping down on human testicles.

Apparently, the horrific fish bastards are actually being kept by some nutters in the UK and there are fears that, should they ever get too big for their tanks, they could be released into reservoirs, lakes, ponds, rivers and lagoons across Britain.

They’ve already been found in parts of the U.S, Denmark and even the Seine river in Paris, which all sounds a bit too much like the start of a Horror B-Movie to us.

After a pacu was found in Danish waters, Peter Rask Møller, a fish expert at Denmark’s University of Copenhagen, said:

Male swimmers should keep their pants on in case there are more pacus out there in our cold Baltic waters.

Good advice which we imagine anyone taking an outdoor dip in the UK this summer will want to take heed of!