It’s St Patrick’s Day, and millions of people are waking up around the world with one aim. To pretend to be Irish.
Gone are the days when you can just celebrate the day with your Irish friends while submerging yourself in the culture, knowing full well you have no Irish blood whatsoever. No. Literally everyone, on this day, has a long lost cousin somewhere in a far distant shire.
It can’t be stopped. Not in a million years. So in an attempt to at least try and make things easier when you’re undercover out there, here are a few tips that may actually get you through a full day as a fake Irishman…
Exaggerate your heritage
You have absolutely no Irish blood in you, or if you do, it’s extremely faint and almost nonexistent. But that won’t stop you. Exaggerate the sh*t out of it. Your beloved Irish nanny (who is actually called Barbara and has never even been to an Irish bar) dropped your mam on the docks of the Mersey herself and is an icon in your family.
Hate the English
You’re going to need to hate the English for what they did to your people. Don’t go too deep with this – that’s an absolute no go. You don’t have enough time to learn the history. The best thing you can do in this situation is learn a few rebel songs and blurt them out if someone engages with you about a conflict you know absolutely piss all about.
Don’t wear an Irish flag cape, please
If you decide to wear the Irish flag as a cape on St Patrick’s Day, you may as well run around screaming “I’m English” all day. Just don’t do it. This is one of the main ways I identify the English people every year. Granted, you will get the odd Irish person wearing one, but the majority of Irish men and women respect their flag enough not to sweat into it all day, sit on it then use it as a means to wipe up green vomit later on.
Kiss me, I’m pretending to be Irish
Feel free to kiss this person. On the lips. With your fist. If you thought the cape was bad, and a great identifier for the English, then this is a f*cking homing beacon. There is no doubt in my mind that whatever damage you inflict on a person wearing this t-shirt, they already deserve it. However, I will at this point say that it’s not a good idea to assault someone, and while that will probably be happening wherever you look tonight, don’t actually punch people in the lips with your fist. Just laugh at them, instead.
Don’t drink the Green Guinness
There’s no doubt you’re going to be knocking back the fluid as consistently as possible, in order to keep up with your cohorts, who are much better drinkers than you. But you don’t NEED to drink the green stuff. It doesn’t make you more Irish. What it does, however, is waits. And waits. Until it’s ready to exit your body and make your bathroom look like that 2009 Maga’ foam party.
Don’t ask if Leprechaun’s are real
Or do, if you want to blow your cover as a real Irish person. I would prefer you actually did this one, if I’m honest. As early on in the night as possible.
Learn the sh*t out of this
If you don’t know this Irish banger word for word, you’re going to feel like a black sheep. Sorry, you’re going to feel even more like the black sheep that you already are. There will never be a point in the day when everyone will just spontaneously burst into song with this – in most cases it will just be an older guy in the corner, on his own after one too many. But if you really want to impress, that guy could be you.
Turn up for work tomorrow
You’re going to want to turn up for work tomorrow, too. Your boss knows full well you’re not even the slightest bit Irish and he won’t be pleased when he finds out you just went for a midweek piss up. Your Irish colleagues will probably get the benefit of the doubt. It means something to them – even if ‘something’ just means getting shitfacewankered with their actual Irish family all day. They still have more of a reason to not make it into work the next day.