Students love to get robbed. A quick scan of the statistics and newspaper headlines reveal that burglary is our favoured method of losing our worldly possessions, usually so they can be recycled into heroin.
So make sure you don’t miss out this semester with our six-stage guide to making your house a target.
Unlock all your doors and windows
The golden rule, it may seem obvious, but you’ll be astonished how many people forget: never lock your door. If you do, you could leave yourself open to all types of safe and secure living – just don’t take that risk guys.
Taxi drivers are your burglary friends
Another important factor in determining whether you want to be relieved of your property’s entire stock of laptops, GHDs and other goods involves local taxi drivers. We strongly suggest that when you go on a night out that you all get in the same taxi and, here comes the important thing, tell the driver you are all going out clubbing at the same time and therefore your house is empty.
…so are your landlords
As good students it is also your duty to actively search for the dodgiest landlord in town and go with them. That’s a sure way of setting the foundations of a good turning over. The trick then is to miss paying your rent; it’s as simple as that.
Some mates of mine thought their landlord was a bit seedy; it was seeing him on BBC Watchdog that clinched it. They became the victims of a break-in but it wasn’t the smartest one because only the rooms of the students who had missed paying their rent were targeted. Just a coincidence, I’m sure, the last thing I want to do is tarnish anyone’s reputation by suggesting they were involved in half a job.
Turn your lights and radio off
When you all go out, make it blindingly noticeable that the house is totally empty. Take the time to turn off all the electrical appliances and lights. I mean we’re all reasonable people; we don’t want to make life difficult for the friendly local criminals, right?
Show off your stuff
If you have made a particularly lavish purchase recently, a MacBook for instance, it’s only natural to want to show it off. Leaving it near your bay window is a good start, but why not go the whole nine yards and leave the box in your garden by your bin so everyone on your street knows about it. That, my friends, is the actions of a pro-victim and what you should all be aspiring towards.
Forget about annoying alarms
We’ve all been there: your housemate has remembered to set the alarm and you come home and haven’t got a f*cking clue what the code is. Add a hangover into the mix and you feel like you’ve been run over by a speeding lorry. Alarms have never helped anyone; just don’t even bother with them.
Please remember that in these hard times of austerity it’s important that you support your local thieves. I mean they don’t have an underworld union, pension or in many cases even colleagues to support them.
So any easily resalable commodities that you can donate can make the world of difference when it comes to funding a crippling £200-a-week smack addiction.