Uruguayan forward Luis Suarez has requested a medium-rare central defender for his team’s last 16 World Cup class with Colombia.
The request comes just hours after a particularly distressing flossing session in which Suarez struggled to remove bits of Italian from between his teeth.
Suarez told reporters, “I like my defenders tender and succulent, but this Italian was tough as old boots. I think it was overdone like it had been left in the sun for days.”
“In the Colombia match I am looking for something that will melt in the mouth when I bite into it.”
“Is that too much to ask?”
“This is supposed to be the flagship event for our sport, yet I am forced to bite into old leathery defenders match after match. Do they not know who I am?”
Meanwhile Suarez’s club Liverpool have backed their star player whilst releasing plans for the Luis Suarez Fine Dining Experience at Anfield, for fans wishing to emulate their hero.
A spokesperson for the club explained, “We have a selection of retired footballers on our roster who you can chew on till your heart’s content.”
“Simply buy a ticket and we’ll give you a Suarez shirt and bib, and you can lunge teeth first into whichever former pro you’d like to taste.”
“Have you ever wondered what it must be like to be Luis Suarez? Why not take a chunk out of Phil Neal’s shoulder and find out?”