Reasons Why New Year’s Eve Will Be Shit… Again

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New Year’s Eve is nearly upon us and as we all know, despite it being the most hyped up night of the year, it almost always fails to live up to expectations. Here’s why.

You wait ages at the bar – The whole world is drinking on this night and it just so happens that 80% of the Earth’s population are all in the same pub. You can expect to wait a good 10 minutes before you get to the bar and another 30 before you get a drink.

The party is shit – If you’re lucky enough to know someone who has a place to throw a party, don’t get your hopes up. It won’t be like what you see in the movies, not because those parties don’t happen but because you don’t know anyone who can pull them off. To host a real house party you need your own house, not your parents’ or one you share with six other people. The host will hype it up with promises of tons of booze and a DJ but all that means is they’re going to buy one case of lager and a small bottle of vodka and some twat is going to hog the AUX cable all night.

boring party

You get too drunk – Although you don’t have to get drunk to have fun, being drunk is fun. But being too drunk is a nightmare and not just for you but for everyone around you. Someone will end up taking you home before the countdown, they’ll hate you for it, leave you half way and you’ll be too drunk to walk. You’ll end up falling in the gutter, ruining the clothes you bought in the sales and breaking the expensive watch you got for Christmas.

You don’t get drunk enough – I know I said you you don’t have to get drunk to have fun but it’s no fun being sober around all your piss-head mates. And the more you think about how sober you are the harder it is to get drunk until you repress it for so long that you’re suddenly shit-faced.

Everybody else is having more fun – They’re better dressed and better looking, downing shots, always smiling and not giving a fuck about the morning. Even if they’re not having a better time than you they are much better at making it look like they are.

There’s always dickheads out – The problem with everyone being out on this night is that all the pricks in the world are out too. And unfortunately they’re the ones you notice most because they’re weapons. They’ll be pushing in at the bar, doing stupid shit around you, throwing bottles and picking fights left right and centre. The list goes on really.

chav scum

You don’t get a kiss at midnight – It just won’t happen. If you don’t have a friend that’s a girl, or an actual girlfriend, you’re f*cked. Give up at 10 and don’t be too upset about it.

Your kebab takes ages – The kebab shop is going to be even busier than the bar because everyone from every other pub or club will go to the same place on their way home. Then when you do get your horse meat and chips it’ll be shit. But the next day will be worse…

Your kebab gives you New Year’s Day food poisoning – Well, they did have to make about 850 kebabs in one night. So there was no doubt your food was going to ruin you the day after. A day that is supposed to be one of the most relaxing of the year.

Did we miss anything other than the hangover? Probably. Let us know in the comments! But from us at UNILAD, happy new year, and please drink responsibly!