The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling Twat

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shufflingfb The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling Twat

By now nearly everyone has been exposed to the extremely hazardous form of dancing known as shuffling or “cutting shapes”.

It all started when “deep house” hit the mainstream and a couple of unfortunate snapback adorned inner-city rejects thought it would be cool to smugly twist their feet in a peculiar manner to their new found favourite beats.

Since then, bell-ends nationwide have been seen exhibiting this awful jig in clubs and even recording themselves in the middle of the street.

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Just take a step into your local club tonight and unfortunately there’ll be a high chance that you’ll encounter a pack of these pretentious creatures exhibiting their ridiculous moves without an ounce of shame.

In order to prevent this outbreak of infectious delusion spreading any further we’ve created this damning 6 step guide to becoming a shuffling twat in the hope that it will make people realize how silly they actually look.



Here are the 6 Steps To Becoming A Shuffling Twat:



shuffle2 The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling Twat

1. Start listening to “Deep House”

An unhealthy dose of the deepest of deep house is essential to your diet if you are to master the art of becoming a shuffling twat.

As a shuffler, you will tell everyone how you are the biggest fan of the sickest sounds from the underground deep house scene.

However, step into the world of reality and ask a shuffler how long they’ve been listening to the genre for and they will probably tell you “erm, since last week after I heard MK’s latest Deep House banger at Weatherspoon’s curry club”

Spoons EP The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling Twat

2. Be original and buy a pair of Nike Air Max

It’s a well known fact that Nike Air Max are the chosen footwear for all breeds of shufflers, so hurry the fuck up and get yours! Just don’t forget to colour coordinate with your shuffling posse before to avoid even more embarrassment.

You must vow never to take off your fresh “shape cutterz” because who knows when you and the rest of your mind-bogglingly untalented mates will need to burst out into dance and fill a random street with your polluting presence.

 The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling TwatSWAG BLOG

3. Get a range of shit tattoos

You need to get yourself inked up with ridiculously shit tattoos if you are going to have any chance at being a shuffling twat.

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Stars, tribals and other kinds of awe-inspiring tattoos are the stalwart feature of the novice shuffler.

If you feel that you are more of a pro then by all means take your claim to the shuffling throne even further and have the title of your favourite deep house track printed on your arm – just like this absolute weapon head pictured below.

 The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling TwatSWAG BLOG

4. Find some swag verified sunglasses to wear inside the club

Sunglasses are an essential for your journey to shuffling stardom, especially when inside a club.

Not only do they give you that sought-after “world class knobhead” look, but they also prevent strobe lights from distracting you mid shuffle. We can see that our man in the photograph has cleverly protected himself and is free to dance like a dick all night long.

Now if only there was a way to block out the shufflers…

 The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling TwatSWAG BLOG

5. Practice with a shuffling tutorial on YouTube

Now it’s time to learn your trade, follow your dreams and familiarise yourself with some serious shuffling steps.

YouTube is brimming with desperate shape cutting gurus willing to teach you the moves, just like this unfortunate lad who was outcast to the garage when his horrified parents realised that their son was a shuffling twat.

Just follow these inspirational tutorials and one day you too could reach such dizzying heights of being a disowned child, shuffling alone in your garage with your favourite step ladder.

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6. Film yourself cutting shapes in an inappropriate location

You’re nearly there but there’s just one last important step to realising your full potential as a fully fledged shuffling twat.

Now you’ve mastered the shit music, the embarrassing attire and the not-so-slick moves, it’s time to get yourself out there. Go find the most inappropriate public location you can think of and start recording yourself cutting shapes.

Yes. This is it – The chance you’ve been waiting for. The big opportunity to show everyone how much of a shuffling twat you are. Your long and arduous journey through the valley of the shadow of bell-ends has been leading up to this very moment of unprecedented embarrassment.

shuffling4 The UNILAD Guide To Being A Shuffling Twat

Congratulations on losing all sense of self-awareness. You are now a loud and proud shuffling twat.

@markorandelovic

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