Wanking, when done in the privacy of your own home, either alone or with a willing partner, is a natural and healthy expression of human desire. Whereas wanking mechanically fifteen times a day just because you’ve got broadband internet speed and your other half is out of the house, isn’t. If you’re the sort of person who gets sexually aroused by the noise Windows makes when your laptop opens then this guide is for you…
Think Unsexy Thoughts
One of the surest ways to reign in a rowdy libido is to try and think of the most unsexy imagery possible so that your dick gets as limp as England’s recent Rugby World Cup challenge.
There are old reliables like your Nan rubbing lotion into her varicose veins, or Adrian Chiles’s face, as well as new, topical offputters like a redfaced David Cameron sombrely dicking a dead pig in the face until he orgasms weakly (Calm down dear, it’s a fucking joke). If you get hard thinking of that then you definitely have a problem.
Hire The Men In Black To Remove The Part Of Your Memory That Knows How To Use Google Incognito
One of the main reasons why relentless, joyless wanking is so widespread is because of the availability of porn, and also because we know that it’s very easy to get away with it. If your girlfriend was able to see the Japanese stuffed animal porn you’d been watching you’d feel ashamed and probably think twice before doing it again, but using Incognito makes it easy to hide your weird appetites for bukkake and S&M.
Simply hire the Men In Black to eradicate the part of your brain that knows how to use Incognito, or if you use Internet Explorer, they can simply inform you that it’s not 2005 and show you how to use a computer you Hotmail-account-having wanker. If the Men In Black aren’t available, and I don’t know why they wouldn’t be, perform an amateur lobotomy by constantly reading the Daily Mail and watching Jeremy Kyle, you’ll be clinically dumber in a matter of days.
Project A Livefeed From Your Webcam Onto The Front Of Your House
As anyone who’s ever had a parent or sibling catch them strumming their prawn and beef curtains or polishing their truncheon will attest to, getting caught wanking is about the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a person next to shitting yourself in public or naively sharing a bogus Facebook privacy update.
In order to make sure you definitely 100 per cent will get caught wanking simply hook up your webcam to a projector and blast it onto the front of your house so that every time you feel the urge your sweaty, gurning face will be plastered 12 feet high across the front of your house for neighbours to see you fuck your own hand.
Get An 18th Century Chastity Belt That Can Only Be Opened By The Sound Of Noel Edmond’s Voice
The chastity belt might seem a bit extreme but for people who have worn down their clitoris or had their balls go back up inside their body ’cause they’ve wanked too much, it might be the only option! Unfortunately, some chastity belts have locks that can be picked, so you need one so specific and unsexualised that even if opened you’d still never have the slightest urge to rub one out. So simply program one that can only be opened by a voice command given by Noel Edmonds – Britain’s most unsexy man/six foot teddy bear.
Train Yourself Not To See Your Computer As Some Kind Of Wank Portal
I know anyone between the ages of 15 and 35 sees computers as some kind of grim wank portal where, like Sam Beckett, you can quantum leap into any sexual scenario at the push of a button while saying ‘oh boy’ with your eyes closed and frankly ruining any nearby towels or socks.
In order to stop this you’re going to have to start thinking of your computer as something other than the best sex toy ever invented, so start using it for actual work or playing games, or any one of the five other things you can do on a computer that don’t involve sex.