Men’s toilets can be a confusing place. There are some scary smells and questionable stains. But there are some unwritten rules that sometimes get overlooked. Don’t break them.
We’ve all got several public toilet related anecdotes. You don’t want to feature in anybody else’s.
Which urinal do you use?
If the room is empty, this is an easy one. You use the one at the far end. If you are second in, you use the one on the opposite end. That’s just how it is. If both are taken, you use one in the middle, but not next to one of the lads who got there before you. If there is no urinal left that isn’t directly next to somebody, you may opt to go in a cubicle.
Obviously you leave the door wide open if you do that so that nobody else tries to go in. If you absolutely HAVE to go, and need to use a urinal right next to somebody, then the following rule becomes extra important.
Avoid eye contact, and no talking.
You look straight ahead as much as possible. If you DO look at another lad when they walk in, be careful where your eyes aim. Don’t check out their trainers, your eyes must not go low. And keep quiet. Don’t be that bell end that talks in there. Announcing your entrance with a shit joke like “Wooo! So THIS is where all the dicks hang out!” will not make you popular.
Do you wash your hands?
Yes, if somebody else is in there. Otherwise, only if you’ve got wee on them. Don’t pretend you wash them every time, you don’t and that’s okay.
Don’t whistle or sing.
You’re not at home. Whistling is annoying as fuck. And CERTAINLY don’t if you are in the cubicle having a poo. That is just extra weird.
Don’t text at the urinal.
You don’t want to get wee on your phone. And it’s also sod’s law that you’ll drop it. Plus it’s kind of weird to text your mates while touching your knob. This rule does not apply in a cubicle though. Using your phone while having a poo is absolutely essential.
Don’t unzip until you’re stood at the urinal.
This should be obvious, but wait until you’re at the urinal to get your tool out. Any earlier is just odd. Similarly, put it away before you turn around. It is optional, but preferred if you can sort your flies and belt out before you turn around. But definitely no willy in the open area of the bogs. Absolutely never.
Use the mirror sparingly.
You’re not a girl. You don’t have time for it. A quick glance to check that your hair doesn’t look like a burst sofa is fine. But don’t spend ages in there styling it, you will look like a muppet. Don’t check out your gym progress, and definitely don’t pop spots in there either. It’s grim.
There are some other things to remember that don’t require any explanations…
The phone number that is given on the back of the cubicle door offering BJs, probably isn’t an attractive woman. Or a woman at all.
If you enter a cubicle and it’s unflushed and full, leave it that way and use a different cubicle.
If you MUST spit a big greeny, make sure it’s in the urinal, not on the wall. Don’t be that guy.
Always check there is toilet roll before you sit down. It’s not like you can shout your housemate from downstairs.
DON’T SPLASH YOUR OWN OR ANYONE ELSE’S TRAINERS.
Don’t try to make friends with everyone in there. In and out. Let the girls spend half their night in the toilets talking to strangers.
Have we missed anything? Probably not. I hope I didn’t waste too much of your time.