This Is The Weird Shit That Happens In Prison, According To Former Prisoners

By : Ben HaywardTwitterLogo


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Prison probably isn’t the first place you’d think to turn for in the search for comedy stories, but you might be surprised.

It turns out there actually is a pretty weird/funny side to spending time inside after Redditor ASAPJeep asked: “Redditors who have been to prison; what was the funniest thing you witnessed?”

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Here are some of the best responses – little did we know that the slammer could be so entertaining…

There was a new guy that came in and pretty much never left his bunk for anything other than meals and bathroom/shower. He just laid there and read, sometimes did crossword puzzles or whatever.

There was another guy there that went by the name “Wolf” who was basically the self appointed HNIC of the block (he wasn’t black though).

One day during lunch Wolf speculated that quiet guy was in there for some sort of sexual assault so he began harassing him, asking him what he was in for, demanding to see his papers (legal docs with charges/convictions listed). Quiet guy ignored him for several hours, like literally as though Wolf wasn’t there. I was impressed, Wolf was a kind of intimidating guy.

Anyway, later that day while continuing his harassment Wolf was eating an orange and decided to throw his peels at quiet guy. Quiet guy kept laying there silently and ignoring him for a few minutes. Then he slowly put his book down, sat up, stretched a little bit and then stood up. Nothing looked at all anything but ordinary about it, he could have literally been getting up just to go downstairs and take a piss.

He begins walking towards the stairs, abruptly veers to the right and grabs Wolf’s shirt. He pushed him back up against the tier railing and leaned his weight onto him, said something inaudible.

Wolf looked pretty scared and quiet guy let him go. Quiet guy backed up a few feet and then put his hand out for Wolf to shake it, Wolf looked at him with hesitation but then shook his hand meekly.

Quiet guy went back to reading his book and wolf refused to talk about it to anybody but got considerably less cocky all around. A couple days later quiet guy got transferred to a different cell block, never found out what he was actually in for. ~ Reality_Facade

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This is one way to keep people off your back…

I was stopped for speeding and was detained, and eventually jailed, for not having paid a parking ticket for one year. I had no money on me, no one to call to pay the ticket and I guess the judge was a hard ass.

But that was the least of my issues because I was in jail for three days before even seeing the judge. There was some big drug corner sting operation and I was the only white guy in the entire old school bars-on-cells jail house.

Monday evening comes and I’m in front of the judge, I explain the whole thing, he tells me I’m going to jail at the rate of $12 a day until the ticket is paid… this ticket is more than $1000 dollars at this point, and I didn’t pay it because my mail was withheld. Life, huh?

This judge wanted to look tough in front of the scores of drug dealers he was remanding to county custody so I got swept up in it, that’s my theory.

So I go to county to serve my time, too proud to ask for money from anyone. First proper sleep in three days. First time in jail. I wake up to my celly telling me I have to get on chow line or I’ll get in trouble.

Fuck, food? Sounds great to me! Jail food didn’t scare me: I was in the Army. Stomach grumbling I blearily stumble out of my cell, barely alive. I take a tray and walk up to the guy handing out the food and he tells me I have to go to the chow line.

I’m confused. I take my food from his hands and put it on my tray and walk to a table. I turn look up and realize all the guards and prisoners are staring at me like they can’t believe it. Some of them with wide eyes and mouths agape. But none will meet my gaze. When I look at them they look away sheepishly.

The guards snigger and everyone goes on about getting their breakfast. And that’s when I realized that there was a line for food and I cut it.

Everyone avoided me like I was the toughest guy there or something when in reality the only law I ever intentionally broke in my life was the prohibition against marijuana and driving 70 in a 55. ~ DeucesCracked

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You’re bound to come across some interesting characters…

I did one year at a Federal Medical Center. It was easy time, and as a FMC, we tended to have those who didn’t fit in at other places.

The oddest person there was nicknamed “Battery Man”. As far as I know, he was excused from work detail and spent his time circulating the dorm with an AA battery that he would hold up against the wall, breathe in deeply with his eyes closed, and hum.

He believed he was cleansing the building of evil. I never found out what he did with the batteries – was it the same one for the whole year? Did they fill up or something? ~ mythrowawaymine

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There’s nothing more important than keeping the home brew a secret…

When the fermenting alcohol stashed behind the fridge exploded and the whole wing reeked of oranges. Miraculously, we didn’t get caught.

First, you’ll need to wash the container for some cleaning supplies very carefully, you’ve got that at your disposal because the prisoners mop their own cell blocks.

You’re gonna fill that fucker up with oranges and bread and sugar, seal it up tight and let it ferment. You’re gonna have to open it up now and then to let off some pressure, because it will swell up, maybe toss some more bread and sugar in, and play the waiting game.

You also need to constantly change the hiding place, because the screws like to do random checks of some random cell now and then, especially when someone fucks up.

Unless it’s a major clusterfuck and they’re looking for contraband, they generally won’t search the whole wing itself. You get some orange wine stuff, prison pruno, with a high alcohol content. Does the job.

Well, someone forgot to let out some pressure and it had been behind the fridge in the common area all night, so the fucker popped.

Everybody immediately started cleaning, dumping cleaning chemicals everywhere to try and cover the smell. Lucky us, we got it taken care of during cleanup time and before they showed up for the morning check after breakfast. ~ stephen_1975

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Not the best way to sweeten your deal…

In the women’s crazy ward, for some reason they gave other inmates the job of SPA, which means suicide prevention aide.

Basically people tried to kill themselves so much that the job was for an inmate to sit in that unit all day and if they saw anyone committing suicide, go get a guard.

So I’ve got this job watching everyone in their cells, one young girl is screaming for two hours, asking “please please let me out I just want some juice” begging for juice for hours.

She looks about 18 and terrified. Eventually she starts crying and actually looks pretty damn sad, the guard says fuck it just get her a juice.

She goes to open the cell door, give her a juice, and close the cell door but instead of that happening, as soon as the guard opened the door, the inmate ran out, slapped the guard on the ass, screamed “Bazoonga!” and started twerking.

The cop just stood there shocked for a moment and said “What the fuck??” And then put handcuffs on the inmate and charged her with assault for the butt slap. ~ muffinmilky