It’s not like the world doesn’t know that despotic fairyland North Korea is a bit on the mental side, its leader is a gout-riddled cheese addict who executes dissenters via anti-aircraft missile – to the face, and who got so annoyed about how a film portrayed him that he enlisted his military hackers to launch a cyber-attack against the distributors, Sony. Over a kinda underwhelming film. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg….
North Korea Created Its Own Time-Zone, As You Do
In August of this year Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Un followed in the footsteps of Julius Caesar, not by winning any battles or directly influencing the flow of Western civilisation, but by making his own calendar. According to reports the change was made to coincide with the 70th anniversary of their liberation from Japanese rule. Now North Korea is 8.5 hours ahead of GMT while longitudinal partner South Korea is nine hours cause that makes perfect sense and means that once you step off the DMZ into North Korea you’re travelling back in time. As it’s basically a medieval kingdom that sorta makes sense.
Kim Jong-Un Has A Crippling Addiction To Swiss Cheese
In all fairness though, if you were the son of a fantastically wealthy despot with unlimited access to anything money can buy, being addicted to Swiss cheese isn’t actually the worst. Why he’s sitting on his fat hole eating vast amounts of Emmental and not getting his knob routinely blown in a jacuzzi while sniffing lines of high quality cocaine off the rim of his champagne flute I’ll never know. Apparently he’s eaten so much cheese that he’s given himself gout, like some kind of medieval King in a Hans Christian Anderson tale, which he sort of is.
The Supreme Leader Handpicked The State’s Favourite Girl Group
Not content with basically owning a country Kim Jong-Un now emulates perma-tanned smug robot, Simon Cowell, by handpicking singers to form bands which will act as ideological scouts for his failing economic system. So exactly like Cowell then. One’s an unhinged malevolent despot with awful dress sense who routinely humiliates underlings while sporting a stupid haircut, and the other one is Kim Jong-Un.
Kim Jong-Il’s Annual Cognac Expense Was 800 Times Greater Than The Average North Korean’s Annual Income
Imagine wherever you’re reading this from that the head of state in your country spends 800 times what you earn in a year of slaving your ass off in a shit job on cognac alone. You’d probably rise up and at least demand a few bottles for yourself! David Cameron probably spends about the same amount each year for lessons on how to appear human and for maintenance of the man-shaped shell that he hides his true space lizard form in, but that’s still a whole lot of money for Kim Jong-Il to be spending on fancy booze. At least he has taste though, if it was Blue WKD he’d have been turfed out of poor years ago.
North Koreans Born After WW2 Are 2 Inches Shorter Than South Koreans
Analysis of defectors from North Korea shows that those born after WW2 are on average two-inches shorter than their neighbours in South Korea due to widespread malnourishment and subsisting on a diet of corn and kimchi – a kind of pickled cabbage. So, like smoking and not getting enough sleep, living in North Korea stunts your growth.
There Are 28 State Approved Haircuts
Is this such a bad idea? If the West enforced stricter guidelines on hair styles then it would have retroactively saved thousands of young men the acute embarrassment they’re set to suffer in later life when they look back and realise that their manbun is as scathingly disparaged as the perm and mullet are now.
North Korea Scored Against Brazil In The 2010 World Cup
But they still managed to lose 2-1. Which is no mean feat against a team of Brazil’s stature. Although according to the media back home in North Korea they probably won the fucking thing. Twice.
North Korea Is Tied With Somalia As The Most Corrupt Country In The World
If you’re equal on a list of corruption with a country infested with actual real-life pirates then you know it’s a pretty corrupt place. Surprisingly Sepp Blatter and Silvio Berlusconi didn’t even place on this list, or they did but bribed their way out of appearing, typical lad.
Bill Gates Net Worth Is An Estimated Five Times Greater Than North Korea’s GDP
Trading Economics reported recently that Bill Gates’s personal fortune is five times greater than the GDP of all of North Korea. And yet, he still dresses like a substitute Maths teacher in a suburban polytechnic.
The Number Of People Available For Military Service Is 2.5 Times The Population Of Norway
There are 6.515 million males and 6.418 million females available for military service in North Korea. Collectively, that’s 12.933 million soldiers, while the population of Norway is about 5.1 million. Although if it was a fight between Norway and North Korea I’m backing Norway. We’ve already seen that the North Koreans are basically malnourished hobbits with an average height of 5′ 3″, while the Norwegians are 6ft tall former Vikings who can probably just hold the head of two attacking North Koreans while routinely kicking them in the bollocks.
Only 2.83% Of The Roads In North Korea Are Actually Paved
Of the 25,544 kilometers of road in North Korea only 724 kilometers are paved. Well when you’re walking barefoot in the mud from your hovel to the rice paddy back and forth every day til you’re dead at forty so some fat cunt can kill himself with cheese you probably wouldn’t a concrete road on which you’d likely just cut the soles of your feet anyway.