13 Of The Unluckiest Things To Happen On Friday The 13th

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For years Friday the 13th has got a bad rep as being an inherently unlucky day where black cats probably play with Ouija boards on top of ancient Indian burial grounds by the light of a full moon or something, but has anything tragic or unlucky ever actually occurred on this date? Apparently, quite a bit has…

Tupac Shakur Was Murdered

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Well, “apparently”, Tupac was murdered after attending a Mike Tyson fight in Las Vegas in a drive-by shooting that weirdly left fellow passenger Suge Knight unscathed. The same Suge Knight who dangled Vanilla Ice over a balcony, routinely beat his long term girlfriend and is now facing murder charges after he ran over two men near the set of the Straight Outta Compton movie. No wonder people think Suge might be responsible for Tupac’s murder. (Even though he’s *definitely* still alive).

Hitchcock Was Born

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Master of suspense Alfred Hitchcock came mewling and screaming into the world, probably with a cigar snuggled in his mouth, on Friday August 13 1899, forever changing the face of cinema and making generations of people terrified of heights, having a shower while blonde, and evil birds.

The Nazis Bombed Buckingham Palace

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On Friday September 13 in 1940, a Luftwaffe bomber hit Buckingham Palace with five bombs during the height of the Blitz. The royal family’s refusal to flee Britain, on the advice of the Home Office, would subsequently win the King and Queen affection across the country. Now all you need to win the affection of your subjects is to throw a lavish wedding, sporadically wave in front of cameras and enlist a sycophantic press core.

Evolution Was Banned In A Tennessee School

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In 1925, a statute was passed in Tennessee which banned the teaching of evolution in schools. One could hope that the banning of evolution by idiotic Creationist policymakers in Tennessee would prevent them from passing on their genes but unfortunately, due to evolution definitely being real, they’re still around. Probably breathing through their mouths with their lips moving as they read this sentence.

A Plane Crashed In The Andes Forcing The Survivors To Resort To Cannibalism

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Of all the unlucky things to happen on Friday the 13th, having your plane crash into snowy mountains mile from help, forcing you eat your dead best friends to stay alive, probably ranks with the highest. They even made a Hollywood film out of it where Ethan Hawke’s character, Nando, eats the frozen raw arse-cheek of a corpse. Which is where the expression “Cheeky Nando’s” originated. Now we know.

The Stock Market Crashed

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On Friday 13th of October 1989, before we really knew what recessions were, the stock market experienced a huge crash that was subsequently labelled Black Friday, leaving bankers everywhere burning their copys of Wall Street while tearfully ripping Gordon Gecko posters off their walls, probably.

Costa Concordia Partially Sank Killing 30 People

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In 2012 the Italian cruise ship, Costa Concordia, hit some rocks and partially sank leading to the deaths of 30 people. You could blame this on Friday the 13th, or you could more accurately blame it on a negligent captain bringing the ship too close to shore then fucking off when disaster struck.

$800 Million Is Lost ‘Cause Superstitious Cretins Are Afraid To Work & Travel On This Date

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$800 million is the estimated amount of money lost by the US economy every Friday the 13th due to superstitious morons being too afraid to leave their homes because bad luck or whatever will get them. Imagine that phone call, “Sorry boss, I can’t come into work today, a random number is after me, cheers.” Still though, being afraid of maths isn’t costing the economy as much as hangovers which costs an estimated $250 billion!

A Roof Caved In On A Man Too Superstitious To Leave His Apartment On Friday 13th

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On Friday the 13th in 1976, New Yorker, Daz Pearson, was killed after the floor of his apartment collapsed when he purposely stayed off work because he was convinced some kind of harm would befall him on the cursed day. Trying to avoid death but it still catches up with you, sounds like the plot from Final Destination 56: Flogging A Dead Horse.

A 13-Year-Old Boy In Lowestoft Was Struck By Lightning At 13.13 On This Day

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At the Lowestoft air-show in August 2010 a 13-year-old boy was struck by lighting at 13.13. Which is pretty mental and can only mean that either Friday the 13th is actually real or the boy was being targeted by a race of super intelligent weather-controlling machines from the future who sought to prevent the boy from realising his destiny of becoming a leader of the human resistance… which is probably statistically more likely to happen.

Black Sabbath Invented Heavy Metal

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On this day in 1970, Black Sabbath released their eponymous debut album. Heavy metal has been enjoyed by long-haired white men sporting Warhammer t-shirts and knuckle tattoos ever since.