They say you should never meet your heroes as you’ll only be disappointed.
That truism is even more appropriate when meeting your favourite movie anti-heroes – who, rather than snubbing you or being rude if you met them in real life, would more likely stab you in the face and rob you in broad daylight.
Here’s five of your favourite movie badasses you definitely wouldn’t want to bump into in a dark alleyway:
Jules Winfield & Vincent Vega – Pulp Fiction
Sure, they have snappy conversations, stylish swagger and nerveless confidence, but they’re hired killers – unscrupulous and effective hired killers – well, Jules at least, Vincent really shouldn’t have gone to the toilet without his machine gun.
You probably think these guys would be cool if you met them in real life. You imagine they’d regale you with some eerily verbose, entertaining stories about ‘the life’ and buy you a drink but, in all actuality, you are the sheep and they are the tyranny of evil men who’d probably only be in your company because you tried to fuck Marcellus Wallace like a bitch and now you get to taste hot lead and sinister Bible verses.
Tony Montana – Scarface
He’s got killer suits, a catchy 80s soundtrack and a kind of admirable, albeit skewed, moral code, but you must remember that he’s a ruthless, capitalistic psychopath – like Steve Jobs except with more cocaine.
If you met Tony in real life, he’s not very likely to offer you a free bump in the Jacuzzi while She’s On Fire plays in the background, no no no. He’ll probably just assume in his paranoid state that you’re part of some cartel death squad, bury his face into a table of cocaine and introduce you to his ‘little friend’.
John Rambo – First Blood
Marauding ex-soldier John Rambo had a rough time of it, first he experienced the horror of the Vietnam War and then, when he got home, Brian Dennehy hunted him down like an animal in the Oregon countryside when all he wanted to do was pay respects to his mate.
If you were to come across him in real life, thanks to his massive PTSD he’d either assume you were out to kill him, in which case he’d rip your throat out and go on a binge of destruction in your town that could only be stopped by the calming words of his former XO Colonal Samual Trautman, OR he’d break down into a tearful monologue about his friend Johnny getting blown up by a shine-box carrying suicide bomber in Saigon. Either way, not a nice time to be had.
Jordan Belfort – The Wolf Of Wall Street
“Isn’t he cool, how he made all that money at such a young age?” If you think Jordan Belfort is cool then chances are you’re the kind of cretin who follows Dan Bilzerian on Instagram, works in marketing and wears a topknot.
This guy might seem cool with his confidence and ‘cool story bro’ attitude, but remember that’s the sleazy confidence of a granny’s savings stealing mega-cunt who, if you met in real life, would probably try and recruit you for a pyramid scheme.
Patrick Bateman – American Psycho
Unless you wanted advice on what tie-knot to wear with which lapels then you really don’t want to meet Bateman in real life.
Of course he’s funny and charming in an unhinged I’m-an-actual-psychopath kind of way that makes for compelling viewing, but if you met him on the streets he’d probably stab you in the neck with a sharpened coat-hanger then piss into your face as the light slips out of your dying eyes.