I think I speak for us all when I say everyone has fond memories of watching wrestling as a kid. Sat on the floor of your living room, wearing a D-Generation X t-shirt and cheering whenever you heard Stone Cold’s entrance music. You’d then spend the rest of the afternoon leaping from your couch onto your brother’s neck while pretending you were The Rock beating Kurt Angle. But that was almost appropriate then. Why? Because you were a pubeless 12-year-old and not some 30-year-old man-child who still watches wrestling and likes to perform finishers in awkward situations. Here’s just a few places where jumping from the top ropes is a no-no…
Helping An Old Person Cross The Road
That little old lady crossing the street deserves to be treated with a sensitive helping hand as she makes her way to the bingo. She doesn’t need you, full of piss and vinegar, talking about the millions (and millions) of your fans, asking if she can smell what you’re cooking while bouncing off first one car, then pelting across the road to bounce off another, before arriving back in the middle of the street where you slam your People’s Elbow into the now terrified neck of that sweet little old lady having thrown your armband at a passing cyclist’s head.
Just Before Climaxing
No matter what variety of sex positions you and your lover engage in – missionary, cowgirl, or like a dog – the set-ups should be chosen for the mutual enjoyment of each party. Which is why the bedroom isn’t the place for elaborately painful-yet-cool-looking WWE finishing moves. So next time you’re 69ing with your partner, don’t wrap your arms around their waist then stand up before dropping heavily to your knees, mashing their head into the ground and bashing their skull while in a corner of the ring/bedroom while a man dressed like Paul Bearer cackles and waves an urn about. That’s not sexy and won’t make either of you orgasm.
On A First Date
Ah, the first date… What should I wear? Will I lean in for a kiss? Who pays? So much potential for romantic frisson and hijinks. When you look back, after getting married, do you want to look back on your first date with your new wife or husband as the magical night when you finally found your soulmate, or do you want to look at your permanently broken nose and painfully remember the time some randomer Rock Bottomed you face first through a table containing lit candles, hot tomato soup and a now crushed and pathetic looking carnation that sits on the floor, covered in blood and tears like a monument to broken love?
Funerals, while sad and sombre affairs, are a meaningful expression of the value that humanity places on a lost human life, providing the chance for mourners to respectfully say goodbye to a deceased love one. People pay their respects in many ways: by making a eulogy, by toasting the life of the departed, by hiring Stone Cold Steve Austin to kick an undertaker in the balls then stunnering his head onto his neck while the coffin drops and the semi-decomposed body flops out to horrified gasps and the wails of traumatised children… Wait a minute, that last one doesn’t quite work, being as it is, fucking mental. Probably shouldn’t do it so.
During Job Interviews
In today’s climate of zero hour contracts and falling earnings, job interviews are the ticket to a better life in which you still probably will never be able to afford a house, but will at least have more beer money. This makes them about as stressful as playing a game of Buckaroo on top of a Jenga pillar, the outcome of which will decide if a parent lives or dies. So you might be forgiven for wanting to lash out physically when you see an interview not going your way. In that situation, what you absolutely mustn’t do is stun your prospective employer with a well-placed Haymaker before taking their body in your arms and bodyslamming them through the table. It’s *probably* not going to make you an A grade candidate.
While Breaking Up With Your Other Half
As many love songs will attest to, breaking up is hard to do. There are many ways to soften the blow of a separation. You could do what Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow did and take the sting out by skillfully skirting around any upsetting words such as ‘divorce’ or ‘breakup’ or ‘I hate you’ and replace them with vaguely nauseous, pop-psychological, middle class jargon like ‘conscious uncoupling’. What you shouldn’t do – right when your other half starts to weep – is instead of handing them a tissue and placing a supporting hand on their shoulder, grab them into a reverse headlock and DDT their crying, tearstreaked face into the floor. Breaking up will be painful, it shouldn’t be that painful.
At A Terrorist Training Camp
While actively pursuing the destruction of Western civilisation in its entirety is certainly poor form, it’s still considered inappropriate to flaunt violent US ‘light’ entertainment on them by going to a Middle Eastern village and performing signature finishing moves on unsuspecting village goats for a laugh. So next time you’re at an ISIS training camp, try and curb the urge to leap from the top of a Hummer and leg drop onto the neck of a usually surefooted mountain billy goat, breaking its spine as a loudspeaker trumpets Hulk Hogan’s triumphalist anthem ‘I Am A Real American’ while you prance about and cup your ears expectantly for the adoration of any nearby Hulkamaniacs with a dead goat at your feet, feebly kicking out its last breath.
Any Time Or Place Once You’re No Longer A Wrestling-Obsessed Obese Child
So, in conclusion, if you’re over the age of 12, have kissed a member of the opposite sex, or grown some pubes, then performing WWE wrestling moves at any time in any place is wholly inappropriate, soz guys.