So you’ve started university, it’s a place to discover new ideas, learn new things about yourself and meet new people… it’s also a place rammed with dickheads, some of whom we’ve kindly listed here. You’re welcome.
The Guy With The Guitar
This cretinous dickbag can usually be found ruining parties by playing bad covers of Foo Fighters with his shirt off surrounded by philistines who genuinely think he’s better than Thom Yorke, despite the fact that he still struggles to fret a B7 and can’t fingerpick.
How to spot them: They’ll be carrying guitars to act as a conversation starter to make up for their complete lack of personality.
The Young Politician
These people should be made a crime against humanity. When most people are going through an experimental phase – having casual sex, drinking and trying drugs – the future career politician is missing anything resembling real life by engaging in campus politics, a kind of playpen for future MPs to practice grumbling the loudest. Like child movie stars, they’ll miss out on having a normal upbringing which will manifest itself in some kind of well publicised sex shame later in life, like getting busted snorting coke with sex workers.
How to spot them: They’ll have posters of their stupid, bland faces up everywhere. (Sorry Rik Mayall, we love you.)
The Drug Boaster
Despite being 17 and far too young looking to have been at Glastonbury ‘07, or once smoked a spliff with Pete Doherty, this young geezer will have you believe that he’s the Howard Marks on campus who takes drugs daily and can get you some any time, anywhere.
How to spot them: Can be seen struggling to stick skins together before pulling a whitey after a bong hit and puking in the bathroom.
The Psycho Go-Getter
They’re not actually even that smart or talented but, like Roy Keane or Walter White, so ruthlessly driven that they’d probably coolly break a rival’s leg just to succeed. They see other people and social occasions as mere steps on their climb to success at a large company where their sociopathic tendencies will be well rewarded.
How to spot them: They’ll have their hand up in every lecture, their desk will be littered with notes and highlighters and they will flip American Psycho-style if your haircut/grades/stationary’s better than theirs.
The Fledgling Hipster
While not quite a full-blown hipster yet, this student has made the realisation that they don’t have to always wear trackie tops and pretend to like football. They’ve listened to Bon Iver, taken up smoking rollies and painted on some skinny jeans, and are stuck in a perpetual eye-roll over anything ‘mainstream’. It’s only a matter of time before they’ll be working in a vintage clothes shop and constantly regaling you with recipes for a killer gluten free chai latte.
How can you spot them: They’ll be pulling on a menthol outside the lecture hall while looking like they should have their picture in a dictionary next to the entry for ‘I’m so bored of life it fucking hurts’.
The Mature Student
Similar to the go-getter, they’ll constantly harangue lecturers and be practically grinding their teeth with sheer shit-eating enthusiasm for the syllabus and tamer campus activities like the history or knitting society. Unlike the go-getter though they’ll only be this driven because they’ve seen what happens to your so-called life when you squander your youth on drink and pills and wind up a jobless alcoholic at 32… and if you look closely into their eyes, you’ll be able to see it too.
How to spot them: You’ll mistake them for the lecturer until they sit down at a bench.
This is the person who has done a couple of weeks of intro to philosophy and now fancies him/herself as a profound, existential thinker. They’ll make offhand remarks like ‘that table’s not really there’ while smirking like they’ve got a new toy that nobody else can play with.
How to spot them: They’ll be smoking a rollie with a liquorice Rizla, wearing a black polo neck, and reading Camus at the pub, like you do.
The Creepy Lecturer
There’s always that one lecturer, usually pushing 50 and dressed like a Jane Austen character who you know definitely wanks about people in class, looking at every girl or boy with lingering lecherous eyes – like David Cameron staring at a pig, *maybe*.
How to spot them: ‘Sir, why are your hands in the pockets of your corduroy trousers? Why are you sweating?’ Shudder.