What if you had the chance to somehow go back in time and offer what you considered to be the most important advice to give your teenage self, what would you say? Now that you’re older and, hopefully, wiser would you tell your younger self to get a real job in a bank rather than spending years trying to make it as an Instagram poet? Here’s what I reckon every older guy would (or at least should) say to their younger selves…
Ignore Peer Pressure
I know at 15, there’s a lot of pressure to be cool. To be considered cool you might have to hold onto a little bit of weed for that dodgy dude around the corner, or drink six cans behind the bike sheds, but trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Spend less time worrying about being in with the gang by going smashing windows or smoking. When you’re all in your twenties, in college or jobs, and hopefully without a criminal record or drinking problem, then you’ll look back on the pressure you put yourself under and wonder what the fuck you were doing. In short: give less a of a shit about teenage nonsense, you’ll save yourself a lot of needless hassle.
Enjoy Your Hobbies
Don’t let hobbies and things you enjoy doing fall to the wayside just because you’re not going to teenage discos where you’ll be drinking and fingering/getting fingered. You can still play football on a Sunday morning and have a social life. When you’re in your 30s, you’ll now be shite at football and won’t have any time do anything other than worry about money.
Face Your Fears
As a teenager everything can seem scary. Fitting in, getting caught wanking, or having a public boner are all very real fears! Some things, however, like asking someone out or trying something new, might seem like the most terrifying thing in the world to some people but asking that guy or girl out isn’t worth all the sweaty shaking. Either they’ll say yes or they won’t, and either way you won’t die. It’s not like they say no and then everyone you know jumps out from behind some trees to point and laugh at how much of a pathetic loser you are. That rarely ever happens.
Will sound like a nagging parent here now and don’t even care, just don’t bother smoking. Take it from someone who has smoked for the last 15 years and in that time has probable spent a solid few grand for the privilege of inhaling cancer-causing addictive shite that isn’t even that much fun. Just because it looks cool in films and Luke next door who’s had full sex with a girl smokes, doesn’t make it cool. Ask any smoker what their biggest regret is and unless they’ve shat themselves in public after drinking 12 pints of cheap cider, or somehow accidentally turned down sex with Scarlett Johanssen, then smoking will be their top choice.
If You’re Going To Experiment With Drugs, Wait Til Your Twenties
It’s hard to say don’t do drugs because a certain degree of drug experimentation with weed, psychedelics and ecstasy might actually good for the soul (providing it doesn’t kill you/you don’t get addicted, blah, blah, blah). But probably wait a while, you’ve your whole life to get chomped off your mind in dimly lit nightclubs or smoke weed in front of luridly coloured video games, but if you start taking drugs as a young teenager while your brain isn’t fully developed you risk developing panic attacks and mood swings as well as interfering with school or work until you end up a perennial dole head who has great stories but a weak bladder from all the ketamine. There’s no rush to go out and do drugs when doing them can actually fuck your life up a bit. Wait til you’ve an idea of who you are in your 20s before you start necking Mitsubishis, or whatever-the-fuck stupid name for the dealer has branded the pills he’s made in a grubby bathtub with a load of bleach and drain cleaner.
Take it from me, if you’re a teenager and you play regular football or enjoy cycling or anything that isn’t sitting around eating cheese and wanking, then keep doing it. You see those bags of energy that you have now? That all fucks off by your mid-20s, meaning that unless you’ve worn in a solid exercising habit then chances are even an hour-long game of five-a-side will involve you coughing up half a lung and walking like John Wayne after shitting himself.
Learn An Instrument Or Skill
While you’re a teenager you’ve got advantages that your older self doesn’t, like you can run for ages without feeling like you’ll die, and you can pick up new skills fairly handily. So while your brain is still a sponge, pick up a guitar, buy some decks, a skateboard or a French/English dictionary and properly try to learn a skill. Chances are you’ll enjoy it and it’ll get you ‘mad fanny/D’ for it when you’re older.
Get To Know Your Parents, They Won’t Always Be There
Once you hit about 18 or 19, most parents actually stop being totalitarian cuntbags and start to become sound people, so whatever strife you have with your folks now remember that they’re probably only being fuckers for your own good, or because they believe what they’re telling you to do is for your own good. Take advantage of the time you have with them to get to know them, they won’t be around forever!