Disgusting Things That All Lads Secretly Do

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Men are often smeared as disgusting creatures, a cursory search of any man’s internet history will seem to confirm that, but they’re also just beautiful, oft-maligned creatures trying to make their way in the world. Sure we might piss on the toilet seat, and some of us think Top Gear is actually rather watchable, but that doesn’t make us disgusting, it just make us human – filthy, dirty humans with borderline hygiene…

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Re-wearing Five Day Old Boxers So Long As There’s No Visible Piss Or Shit On Them

And then even maybe if there is. Fact is sometimes it’s easier to just pick up a pair of manky boxers off the bedroom floor and carry out a quick freshness test than finding new ones. Even then they’ll need to pass our stringent criteria before they can be worn again. Namely, giving the gusset a quick sniff and checking for skiddies. Once they pass that they’re good for another day or two, easy.

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Wanking Basically Anywhere

Young men have a non-discriminatory and open mind that allows them to see the smallest hovel or stinkiest toilet not as a place of contempt and disregard, but as a potential wank bunker. Whether it’s the jack’s in work, by a tree in the park, or in the garden shed, lads see beyond these everyday mundane places and will happily coax a quick pipe-squirt ’cause they’re basically uninhibited trendsetters, disgusting, borderline criminal trendsetters.

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Using A Jet Of Hot Piss To Clean Caked-On Shit From The Toilet Bowl

Some people would consider this disgusting behaviour, but isn’t it less disgusting than a) just leaving the shit there for the next person, or b) getting that nasty unwashed, shit-flecked toilet brush out from its little piss-pooled hole and scrubbing the toilet with that? Yes it is. It’s also more fun, pretending you’re sandblasting a tiny civilization of creatures with your own hot piss, which I think is how George Bush got the fucking terrible idea of invading Afghanistan.

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Cleaning Up Wanks With Old Socks, Towels, Basically Anything Within A Two Foot Radius

As mentioned above, young men are erotic creatures beset with a deep longing for a meaningful emotional connection, sometimes as often as four or five times day. Often, when the mood is just right, a man can’t wait long enough, or hasn’t thought far enough ahead to prepare wank-anticipation tissue, he’ll just take himself right there on the bed before the Rihanna music video, or whatever other random thing aroused him comes to an end. In that post self-coital moment each man will do a mental census on which fabric in the room is the most expendable, be it those fancy boxers or the woolly hat you wore at Glasto ’07, to sacrifice it for the greater good of quickly cleaning warm grossness off your chest and stomach.

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Pissing In The Shower

Look, you’ll probably think this is just vile laziness, and there’s a degree of that in it, but it’s also about a male fascination with efficiency and time management. Nothing is more satisfying to a man than thinking ‘while I’m doing that, I’ll also get that out of the way’, which is exactly what’s happening here, why get all the way out of the shower and then back in when there’s a plug hole right there? It’s also one of the many, many situations when men can make a game out of aiming their piss, in this case you’re aiming right down the plug hole so that the piss doesn’t mix with the accumulating shower water to leave an off-yellow soapy piss puddle at your feet. Although we don’t wash our feet, shower water and gravity does that for us.

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Sniffing Their Fingers After Scratching Their Actual Bumhole

You might bemoan this as just another example of the horrible things men do, filed alongside spitting hot phlegm down into the toilet between their legs when shitting, and leaving shaved pubes on the toilet seat, but you’re wrong! Smelling your fingers after scratching your arse is indicative of the latent curiosity of man, our willingness to explore hidden dangers for the betterment of mankind. Plus, who knows, it might not have actually smelled of shit? There is a direct line in the ascent of man from curious ape to world conqueror that goes from smelling your arse scratched fingers to landing on the moon, and there’s nothing disgusting about that.