We need to talk about Kylo Ren.
Sure, he’s a powerful force user with a cool lightsaber and, as one of the founders and leaders of the First Order, a successful young entrepreneur like a kind of Darth Zuckerberg.
But, underneath all that planet destroying, minion choking success, he’s actually just a bit of a whiny, teen-angst ridden emo fuckwit, and here’s why…
He Always Insists On Wearing Black
Like the glum drummer in your school’s wannabe goth band or so-called deep house DJs queuing to get into Berghain, Kylo Ren insists on wearing black, and only black.
With the helmet, the black cape and the modulated voice, Kylo is obviously modelling his look on his hero Darth Vader, which is about as emo and pathetic as the 40-year-old men in eye makeup and tousled hair dressed like Robert Smith outside The Cure gigs.
He Mopes Around Feeling Sorry For Himself
Even though his father is a successful galactic smuggler and his mother is a fucking princess, Kylo still mopes around the place like a fat teenager who’s had his Xbox taken away because he was caught watching porn.
The fact that he’s also able to manipulate a mysterious life-force to do badass magic yet still bitches about how his rich parents treated him barely even counts.
Why is he not running around, mind-tricking people for free drinks at parties like a Jedi Bill Murray? Answer: because he’s a petulant, spoiled emo cretin.
Blames All His Problems On His Parents Who, Despite Fighting A Galactic War, Enrolled Him In The Last Surviving Jedi School
His parents are basically two of the most famous heroes in a galaxy of billions and billions, who dedicate their lives to fighting a war against an actual evil empire while still managing to keep little Kylo safe and enroll him in the most exclusive (and last surviving) Jedi school in the universe.
Basically, they’re the perfect, most awesome parents anyone could hope for, and yet Kylo still bitches about them as if they just locked him in a closet all day covered in his own piss, only allowing him out so he could give Chewie a bath while Han made the Kessel run in 12 Parsecs.
Throws Pathetic Little Tantrums When Things Don’t Go His Way
Sure, Darth Vader was motivated by his anger, but so are lots of successful people.
I mean, Mike Tyson didn’t become the best pound-for-pound boxer in the world because he was laid back and Sauron didn’t take over the world just because he loved rings.
Even so, that doesn’t give Kylo Ren license to throw a tantrum and choke subordinates to death every time something doesn’t go his way. Calm down, dude!
He Keeps Darth Vader’s Scorched Helmet On A Little Altar
Probably the most emo-teenager thing Kylo does is keep the mutilated and scorched helmet of Darth Vader on its own little weird altar.
It’s essentially the Star Wars equivalent of keeping My Chemical Romance posters on the wall of your bedroom in your parent’s house.
You can tell that underneath all the black capes and helmet, Kylo is probably wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with Vader’s face as well. Bloody weirdo…