Have you ever been in that stage of a relationship where you’re so comfortable in front of your partner, that you do and say the grossest things, but they still (pretend) to love you for it and even do gross things that you start to (pretend) to love about them? Well then this list is for you, my grubby, loved up friend…
You Keep Farting In Front Of Each Other
A relationship reaches a certain comfort point where formerly off-putting things, like farting and eating Marmite from the jar with your fingers, become par for the course. You stop holding in the gaseous effluent of last night’s chilli con carne until you go to the toilet, and instead loudly pump shit-gas right there in front of your other half. When it reaches the point where you can tell what the other person had for lunch by arse-gas scent alone then you know you’ve definitely reached the comfort zone.
You Pick Each Others’ Noses
We’ve all been there, you’re sat on the couch, watching whatever TV series you’re both hoping will alleviate the need to talk to each other, when you feel a bugger clinging like a limpet to the side of your nostril. Where before you’d sneakily turn your face away, have a root around and then surreptitiously wipe the snot on the side of the sofa, now, because you’re so damn comfortable with your other half, you just point to the snot and let your other half scoop the crusty yet soft congealed mess out of your nose and pop into their mouth. Marital bliss…
You Develop A Scruffy Bush
Hot date eh? Better shave those nether regions. But hang on, you’re at that comfortable stage in your relationship where formerly adhered to grooming routines are abandoned in favour of cultivating some positively Amazonian pubic topiary that even soft-hearted scissorhanded recluse Edward Scissorhands would be proud of. So what if they get pubes in their teeth? They love you so it’s fine!
Periods Are Used As Conversational Opening Gambits
When you hit that comfortable spot in a relationship no topic is off limits. Be it a sexual quirk about Robbie Savage’s golden hair, how some dogs/ponies/cartoon characters are sexier than others, or how your parents never really loved you after you accidentally taped over their wedding video, you can now talk about anything. Even periods! When your girlfriend regales you with an hilarious anecdote involving white jeans, a damp patch and a packed bus, you’ll just throw your head back and laugh along with her, knowing that you guys are a super comfortable couple.
You Plan Bank Robbing Murder Sprees Together
Remember that first year of your relationship, when you were both so keen to impress each other that you didn’t even talk about how you routinely fantasise about killing people in high-stakes bank jobs before both being killed in a massive shootout leaving 35 people dead including women, children and a small poodle? When you hit that comfortable patch it’s reassuring to know that you can share and enjoy each other’s quirky little pastimes such as mass murder.
You Gain 4 Stone Because All You Do Is Watch Boxset After Boxset While Chain-Eating Blocks Of Cheese Before Having Perfunctory Exercise Sex Once A Week
After a certain amount of time with the person you love you’ll notice that you start to care less about your appearance and enjoy basically sitting around eating Wotsits and drinking cider every night causing you both to gain, what could medically be referred to as, ‘a stupid amount of gross weight’. So sure you’ll develop diabetes and look disgusting, you’re in love with another couch whale and that’s all that matters!
They Start To Enjoy Your Constant Bedwetting
Remember when you’re other half used to get so weirded out because you leaked hot piss all over your shared bed every night? Well that was while you were still in the getting to know each other, don’t-piss-on-their-sleeping-face phase of the relationship. Now that you’re comfortable they’ll start to enjoy how warm it feels against their back and even be weirded out when they wake up dry and not stinking of stale piss.