Here Are This Year’s Most Predictable Halloween Costumes

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Halloween is that magic time of year, when according to Irish folklore the gates to the underworld are ajar, allowing wraiths and sprites to roam freely on Samhain, getting into all kinds of japes and mischief. Due to the fact of this belief being pagan bullshit, people are forced/nauseous with glee to make their own costumed fun by dressing up, getting drunk and feeling each other up in a room decorated with pumpkins. Here’s a list of some of the costumes you’ll definitely see this Halloween.

A Sexy Version Of Just About Fucking Anything

The most grimly predictable of all Halloween costumes is now universal sexy (insert something). Whether it’s a sexy nurse, slutty murder victim, or promiscuous Anne Frank, you can rest assured that this Halloween you’ll definitely run into a most likely drunk girl wearing a miniskirt and boob tube combo replete with some wings or ears claiming to be a sexy angel.

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A David Cameron Mask Complete With Pig

The winner of the topical lottery this year (previous winners include Jimmy Saville, Chilean miners, and Osama Bin Laden) is simply dressing in a suit and tie with a David Cameron facemask holding a stuffed pig. High five yourself for the topical relevance of your costume before you get a bit too drunk and mime performing a sex act on the mouth of said pig. Dave himself doesn’t wear a costume at Halloween, in fact this is the only time of the year when the space lizard inside David Cameron removes his mansuit and roams freely around Westminster, stealing food out of poor children’s mouths.

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Man In Drag/Caitlyn Jenner

Every year lads who can’t be arsed thinking of a costume or who actually do like the way a thong feels in their bum crack will raid their mum’s wardrobe to find the least sexy, bingo-lady, middle aged woman outfit they can find and paint the town 15 fucking pints red. Some of the more discerning dragmen will this year claim to be a transitioning Caitlyn Jenner, perhaps while wearing a gold medal saying STUNNING AND BRAVE to make it stick.

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Man With Stained Bedsheet Over His Head, Otherwise Known As A ‘Ghost’

Being one of the easiest costumes to pull off, this will also be one of the most predictable. All you have to do is cut a few eyes out of a sheet and throw it over your head, you’ll get no points for effort but look at it this way, at least you’re not wearing a mask or anything on your hand that makes lifting a drink to your face extraordinarily easy. Which is definitely a big plus-point come Halloween night.

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The Joker

Despite The Dark Knight being released in 2008 and there being no reason to keep dressing as Heath Ledger’s seminal interpretation of the brilliant villain, people everywhere will continue to do so. This costume has actually just taken on a life of its own and become a staple of the Halloween fancy dress tradition. Prepare for lads saying ‘why so serious’ in a faux-malevolent voice while they spill a drink down your shirt/boobs.

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Star Wars Character

Although the release of The Force Awakens is still some way off (48 days, 12 hours and 7 minutes at time of writing) people the world over will already be either creating new Star Wars costumes or dusting off their old Han Solo waistcoat. The Force will be with you, and about ten other geeks at the Halloween party.

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Elsa From Frozen

If you get a pound for every little girl who comes to your door trick or treating in a Frozen costume on Halloween night then I’ll wager by November 1 you’ll be a couple of hundred quid richer! Keep an eye out for a ‘sexy’ version worn by older women at Halloween parties.

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Doctor/Nurse

This is another old staple for the lazy: simply throw on a pair of scrubs, splatter a little bit of fake blood, add a stethoscope, and you have yourself a doctor costume. This is right up there with throwing a bit of white cardboard in the collar of a black shirt and claiming to be a priest. It’s easy to do, but that’s why it’s so predictable. Spice it up a bit by throwing a scarf around your neck and telling everyone you’re Doctor Who.

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