How Not To Turn Into A Psycho/Snotty Mess During A Break Up

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Breaking up is hard to do, regardless of whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. As the dumpee, you feel the full weight of being rejected by another person while as the dumper you’ll always wonder whether the decision will be one you’ll regret, and have a certain amount of guilt to deal with. If you’ve been through a breakup then this one’s for you mate. *Places reassuring hand on shoulder as Foreigner’s I Wanna Know What Love Is plays nearby…

Don’t Cut Yourself Off From The World

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Sometimes when a break up is painful or sudden, the natural reaction is to just close yourself away from the world, watching endless repeats of the least upsetting TV you can find (probably QI) and drinking whiskey neat between bouts of sobbing. You create a grim little hole for yourself with your phone on silent and Facebook Chat deactivated, not wanting to see or do anything cause it all reminds you of him/her. Don’t do this to yourself, you’re not Bukowski. Cut off contact with your ex but make sure you still get yourself out of the house. Even if it’s to just go to a mate’s for a game of FIFA or to cry in the park, otherwise you’ll turn into the kind of embittered minus-craic arseholes who turn their hate on the world, basically a Daily Mail reader or Katie Hopkins.  

Instead Of Playing Warcraft Til Sunrise, Get To The Gym

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There’s a time and place for hours of escapist videogame playing – like when you’ve a week off college, or over Christmas or while you’re still a teenager – not as a diversionary tactic when you’ve just lost the person you love over a (most likely drunken) fight. Use your extra energy in the gym getting fit and sexy for the next inflicter of future heartbreak to come along. Just be careful not to become a self-obsessed gym-rat cretin, achieve this by resisting the urge to listen to workout friendly EDM, drink creatine, and get a tribal tattoo.

Get Back On The Horse

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For thousands of years lovesick people have sought the advice of sibyls and sages as to how to get over losing the person they love and all of them, from Plato to Nostradamus agreed – get yourself a bit of strange. Nothing takes the mind off losing someone like meeting several new someones. It’s a good quick fix to get you back out on the scene. Just be sure you don’t become a Tinder-addicted dating machine, joylessly sleeping with person after person to try and fill that hole at the core of your being where your partner used to neatly slot. In that situation you’re not fucking actual people but your own misplaced loneliness.

Don’t Show Up Outside Your Ex’s House Pissed & Declaring Love Like A Shit Romeo

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Discount all romantic literature, rom-coms and music you’ve ever heard that urges you to try and win the person back through some grand romantic gesture, so basically anything in the young adult cannon, films in which Patrick Swayze dances and everything The Cure ever wrote. Where those works of art differ from real life is that they gloss over the inevitable drunkenness, slurred speech and optional garlic sauce down the front of the trackie top. Plus, in those, there was always a happy ending, in real life being called a pissed gobshite who’s shit in bed and told to fuck off, doesn’t constitute a happy ending.

Listen To Some Radiohead And Have A Proper Manly Cry About It

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Don’t operate under the mistaken belief that you have to bottle up your feelings and tears because they somehow make you “weak” or “gay”. All you’re doing there is becoming the same kind of repressed arsehole who struggles to express himself in monosyllables and hits people on weekends before dying of a massive stroke at 50. Crying is the heroic purge of the manly man, one who fears nothing – including his own emotions. Nothing more manly than that, for proof here’s a collection of some absolute badasses crying in your favourite movies: Rambo in First Blood, Bruce Willis in Armageddon, and Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan. Admittedly they were crying variously over the prejudiced treatment of returning soldiers, big meteors blowing the fuck out of the world and throwing away the lives of eight men to rescue Matt fucking Damon but still, crying over a breakup is allowed too.