According to Freud, we base our idea of how a man should act by copying the one who has had the biggest presence in our lives, our dads, gender-transitioning mums, or action-hero/international role model, John McClane. So when you find yourself bemoaning how things used to be better in ‘my day’, or find it difficult to get your head around what a Pinterest is, blame it on the slow inevitable process of turning into a crotchety old bloke who resembles your dad.
There’s nothing you can do to stop it, but you might be able to spot it early…
You Don’t Know, Or Want To know, Any New Bands
One of the first signs that you’re becoming your dad is when your formerly proud music knowledge starts to wane in the face of new bands. Some group of fresh-faced poptards will smile squeakily back at you while singing about holding a girl forever and your only response will be ‘who in the fuck are these cunts’. A festival lineup will be released and all it will resemble to you will be a list of terrible band names, most of whom have symbols and dollar signs in their names. It won’t even be just pop acts too, a friend will casually mention a band they discovered on Pitchfork being ‘like Alt-J’ to which you can only respond ‘what even is an Alt-J?’
You Groan Like A Weary Baboon When You Bend Over
When you notice yourself emitting random grunts as you pick something up or when you collapse into what’s widely known in your house as your favourite chair, then it’s only a matter of time before your dad transformation is complete and you start happily spending two hours programming the video – or whatever the modern equivalent the kids are using these days.
You Only Ever Get Socks At Christmas
And you fucking love it too! Nah, don’t get me a Playstation 4, I’ll probably just use it as a place on which to put these new socks. Everybody loves sliding on a new pair of woolies but dads love them about as much as they do crosswords and horse-racing. You can bet you’ll be wearing them with some sandals any fucking day now…
You Prefer Sturdy Shoes To Trainers
Your fashion sense generally dying on its arse is a sure sign that you’ll soon be propping up a bar watching your hair go grey in the reflection of your own pint of Wizard’s Hogwash, or other shit-brown ale. When you find yourself genuinely preferring a nice pair of brogues over those luminous trainers that Cristiano Ronaldo wears then you’re in the dad club. Or just have taste?
You Get Up Early On Weekends
When doing stuff on weekends doesn’t revolve around a cycle of drinking, dropping pills, and talking bleary-eyed shit at early morning house parties then you’re on the way to becoming your dad. If you find yourself getting up on Saturday to cut the grass or rearrange that toolbox you never use then you might as well just start wearing the paddy cap now. Sounds like a bloody good weekend morning to me.
You Own A Nose Hair Trimmer
And not as a kind of vague ‘I might need that some day’ purchase, but a ‘fuck me but the forest moon of Endor seems to have taken up residence in my nostrils’ way. If your nose hair and not your moustache starts tickling your girlfriend’s labia when you’re going down on her – you’re in dad-town, my friend.
You Sum Up Every Situation With A Pithy One-Liner
“Ah sure, this is it”, “That’s the way of it” or “Don’t get me started on that cunt” are just three of the main one-liner summations that you’ll have in your arsenal as a dad impersonator. They say it’s to rain all weekend: “Ah sure this is it”. Theresa May is planning to ban wanking: “That’s the way of it”. Simon Cowell has started adopting orphans and selling them to record companies: “Don’t get me started on that cunt”.
You Don’t Quite ‘Get’ Young People
As you slowly become your dad, anyone under the age of 21 will gradually become a mystery to you. When you spot a 17-year-old with a manbun riding a swegway, wearing a Balmain cape and think ‘what the fuck even is that?’ (not WTF) then you’re almost your dad.
You Stop Wearing Clothes That Have Logos
There’ll come a day when for no reason whatsoever you’ll decide that your t-shirts don’t need smart arse logos on them and will plump for just a plain block colour. Probably in an earth tone, to go with your corduroys.
You Have To Unplug Everything Before Bed
Find yourself roaming from room to room, unplugging TVs and laptops, switching off lights and locking doors? Look in the mirror, the face you thought was once yours, that smiling young face, is gone – replaced by the frown line covered mildly displeased look of a grumpy fucker who insists on little pre-bed rituals.
You’re Suddenly Shit At Dancing
If you find a pack of shuffling kids sniggering at you while you’re doing what you consider dancing down the back of the club (where there’s more space) and you’re wondering why they’re laughing in your face, it’s ’cause your dancing (which you still think is cool and how people dance) is like looking at an awkward giraffe doing a windmill impersonation.