Have you noticed yourself acting strangely lately? Are you suddenly losing interest in things you once loved and developing a world-weary disdain for anything ‘mainstream’? Don’t panic, but you might be turning into a hipster, and here’s a handy checklist for your diagnosis.
You’re Only Able To Eat Foodstuffs That Have Been ‘Pulled’ By ‘Bespoke Artisans’
Where you once were content with a packet of Monster Munch and a Mars bar for breakfast, you now only eat gluten free, organic porridge made with oats handpicked by Guatemalan virgins and toasted inside a dormant volcano for a rustic, yet sophisticated finish.
You’re Growing A Moustache Despite It Making You Look Like A Sex Offender
Although you’re trying to hark back to the retro stylings of Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds by cultivating a lip bush, you’re only able to recreate the weird unease found on mugshots of trenchcoat-clad paedophile on the front page of The Sun.
You’re Growing A Beard Despite It Making You Look Like A Sex Offender Who Forgot To Shave
Just because you’re not a coal miner or professional arm wrestler, you suddenly feel you have to assert your masculinity by cultivating flowing locks on your face. Even if you feel emasculated by your shit office job where that dickhead Darren makes you brew his tea for exactly two minutes, it’s no excuse for you to walk around looking like a pervert who got lost in the woods.
You Start Dressing Like Johnny Depp On Laundry Day
What’s that? You’re trying to pull off shoes made out of bark and hemp, dirty jeans that are tighter than a nun’s… *cough*, and shirts so loud they induce visual hallucinations? Or you won’t leave the house without your Carhartt five panel and North Face jacket? If these outfits are lying crumpled on the floor of your bedsit/£800-a-month Shoreditch studio apartment, then you are a bonafide hipster with a unique fashion sense, just like every other fucker in Manchester’s Northern Quarter/Brighton/Portland/your nan’s village in Yorkshire… you get the picture.
You’re Physically Aroused By Outdated Retro Tat
Despite advances in modern technology making pretty much everything accessible at the touch of a button, you insist on living in some kind of ‘80s time warp where you wank energetically over old VHS copies of Ghostbusters and only listen to post-punk bands nobody has ever heard of on your Walkman, you’re an affected tosser (read: hipster).
You’re Emotionally Incapable Of Experiencing Joy
Like an inanimate object, a psychopath, or Cheryl Cole – you’re incapable of feeling joy. Where once you would readily admit that you absolutely love fish fingers and Steven Spielberg movies, now you are more likely to live your life like a cycling automaton who routinely pauses from looking ‘thoughtful’ in selfies to diss something popular by spluttering ‘pffffffft’ and fist-bumping another cretin with a man bun.