Are you a beer headed reprobate, wreathed in cannabis smoke with an Xbox controller in one hand and a sandwich in the other?
Do your mates think you’re a no-sex getting couch waster whose idea of a sophisticated meal is ordering that expensive Indian once a month?
Do you need to get your shit together, or better yet, use a couple of lazy and easy hacks to trick your mates into thinking you have your shit together? Well, settle in my friend, you’ve come to the right place…
Fold Your Clothes
Look, we never said this’d be easy but, honestly, it’s not that hard. All it takes is a little bit of time when doing laundry to, instead of just dumping your clothes on the shelf, actually fold them.
Then, when someone opens your wardrobe, after you’ve told them specifically to do so on some trumped up reason, they’ll see your amazing folding job and instantly think, “Anyone who puts that much effort into the simple act of placing clothes, must have their shit so together it comes out of their arse wearing a bowtie!”
Or they’ll think you’re Patrick Bateman. Either is good.
Buy Fresh Herbs In Pots And Line Your Kitchen Window-Sill With Them
Nobody looks at a guy who can keep plants alive on a kitchen window-sill and thinks “I wouldn’t let him perform an emergency tracheotomy on my first born child”.
Bit of water, bit of coriander leaves and you’re golden – they’ll think you’re Ainsley fucking Harriot as you pinch off a few leaves and throw them on top of the Tesco Quick Meal you’ve just upended into a wok.
Have At Least One Bottle Of Expensive Aftershave
You’re not a 16 year old schoolboy, therefore you can’t just douse yourself in Lynx and expect to smell subtly masculine. Sorry, but the adverts, in which women are attracted to you based solely on the application of cheap deodorant, have lied to you.
Throwing a bit of Lynx under the arms won’t leave you smelling like how I imagine George Clooney smells but at least you won’t smell like a locker room.
Clean Your Bathroom
It’s pretty sad that in the lad world a sparklingly clean bathroom is the sign of someone who is a functional adult but, unfortunately, it’s the truth. So, if you want to come across as a human who doesn’t bask in their own filth then you’re going to have to hose that crusted shit and pubic hair off the bowl (not only by using a jet of hot piss) and get your Mr. Muscle on.
Repeat this process once every week and your mates will start thinking that you’ve probably got a secret savings account or, alternatively, that in a Lord Of The Flies style desert island situation you’d be a man to keep alive.
Have More Than One Change Of Bedclothes
The days of living like a student and using your bedsheets as a sort of tablecloth for jizz, pizza toppings and tobacco screeds are over. It’s there to be slept on, not to clean up every bodily spillage you can think of!
Get more than one set of bedclothes and change them weekly, not just when you think you’re going to get sex.
Buy Throw Pillows
I know you’re happy with the bare couch and that, if you needed pillows, you could just get one from the room, but that’s because once you’ve got a dirt floor hovel with internet access, you’re basically happy. However, other people might have a more developed idea of comfort than you.
Buy some throw pillows, then people will actually want to spend time in your living room.
Learn How To Cook At Least One Decent Meal
If you’re over the age of 21 and can’t rustle together at least one properly cooked meal from scratch then you’re doing life wrong.
Oven chips and pizza don’t count – you have to, at the bare minimum, brown some mince for it to count. Spaghetti bolognese is by far the easiest thing you’ll ever cook, but also the most obvious. Keep that one for the chaps but, to impress women, you should go all out and try a stir fry.
Buy The Third Least Expensive Bottle Of Wine
Sure the one for £2 tastes basically the same as the one for £10 when you knock it back without any attempt to savour or appreciate the subtleties of flavour. But most people don’t drink wine straight from the bottle on the back of a bus on the way to a club, so you’ll need to not dick around and not be quite as cheap.
If any of your friends spy a nice bottle of £8 breathing quietly on your kitchen counter, they’ll instantly think you’re a closet sommelier and not an unsophisticated lager drinking lout who only drinks wine after watching Tony do it in The Sopranos.