The old adage reads ‘you don’t pick your family’, and it’s equally true that you don’t get to pick the people you work with.
Typically they’re just random strangers who you have to pretend to get on with so that you can buy food each week and not die. Sometimes you find great workmates who graduate to mate-mates, but as often as not, you find disgusting dickbags who you’d not willingly spend any time with if there wasn’t money involved because you both annoy the living fuck out of each other. Here are a bunch of things that will make the latter scenario a whole lot more likely…
Picking Your Nose At Your Desk
You might not think that we saw you ’cause you’ve hunched over behind your cubicle, but we saw you. We also saw you wipe it on the underside of your chair. GET IN THE BIN.
Your Hangover Enhancing Hyena Laughter
I don’t really want to hear about how crazy your weekend was or what VIP area you blagged yourself into. I don’t need to tell you how my weekend went, it’s written all over my stupid hungover face.
Your Office-Wide Tinnitus Inducing Headphones
Not only am I appalled that you’re listening to Mumford & Sons while loudly tapping your pen, but your headphones are letting out so much sound loss that I can’t hear myself finish this sent-
Being The One Rinse Mug Scumbag
Stop giving your dishes one run under the tap and then leaving them to drain. Do you give your dick one shake, your arse one wipe? No, no, no.
Playing Bin Jenga
When you artfully place your empty Coke can onto the top of the pile so that the next person has to empty it and get bin juice on their hands and shoes. Stop. Just stop.
Chewing Your Pen
It’s a pen, not a sausage, or a delicious piece of cheese, nothing much else needs to be said. However, if you were eating chicken would you just randomly spit the bones around the office? Same rules apply for the little wet bits of pen-plastic all over your area. Nasty.
Typing Like You’re Punching A Hole Through The Desk
You know, you don’t have to type like each finger jab is an imaginary accusation directed at your best friend for sleeping with your wife. Especially that last one when you press Enter at the end of the day, you’re just sending a funny email to Gary, not entering nuclear launch codes.
Half Hour Toilet Stank
Just because you’re too alcoholically fragile to work and need to wile away a half hour playing toilet Tinder to get your through the morning, doesn’t mean the next person should have to be choked by your accumulated, Dutch Oven bum-gas.
Wanking At Your Desk
Nothing is more offputting than looking up from some spreadsheets to find you gurning at your desk, dick or fanny in hand Pornhub tabs open, emitting small gasps as you bring yourself to finish over some weird porn.
Slurping Your Fucking Tea
Just drink it, don’t hover your lip over it in fear that your lip might get a teeny-bit burney, just have a gulp and burn your throat like a goddamn man would. Or, even better, wait a minute or two for it to cool down, moron.
Wet Spoon In The Sugar
Just about to plomp a bit of sugar into the tea only to find someone (you) has left a wet spoon in the sugar bowl leaving a congealed brown cornflake of tea and sugar sitting disgustingly on top like a mouse’s shit. Kill it with fire.