Just when you thought Pope Francis couldn’t get any cooler and more connected to the modern world.
Seriously, fair play to him for denouncing the ritual demonisation of homosexuality, promoting the use of condoms to prevent the spread of AIDS, and making revolutionary plans to redistribute the colossal wealth of the church to help the world’s poor…
Oh no, wait, sorry he didn’t do any of that, he just joined Instagram.
Still though, it’s a start, maybe next year he’ll actually do something meaningful but, until then, here’s what we can expect from the Pope’s Instagram…
Food Porn Of Holy Communion Wafers
Whereas most Instagram users will fire off a couple of food porn snaps whenever they’re eating a meal, very few will be able to emulate Pope Francis who’ll be busy taking daily Instagrams of his regular diet of communion wafers and sacramental wine.
Who knows, maybe he’ll use the hashtag “transubstantiat-YUM” as he tucks into the apparent blood and flesh of Christ?
Hot Dog Legs From The Pope Mobile
Pope Ratzinger – you know, the one who looked like the Emperor from Star Wars, except even more diabolical – reintroduced the practice of papal wear.
So, naturally, Pope Francis will soon regularly be seen flying all over the world firing off hot dog leg selfies and showing off his Prada-made, red Papal shoes through the Plexiglass of his pimped out Pope mobile.
Selfies With Bono
Each Pope likes to leave a legacy, a simple sound-bite that will echo in the golden halls of Vatican City and reverberate throughout history like a fart in a cello.
Drama-queen ground-smoocher Pope John Paul II will be remembered for the heavily scripted last words he supposedly uttered on his deathbed, while Pope Benedict will be eulogised as the anti-condom Pope who also talked a big game about cleaning up alleged child abuse in the church yet did fuck all about it before retiring.
The current Pope Francis is quickly earning his name as the tech-savvy hipster Pope, viewed by secularists and the religious alike as social media friendly – someone who is just as likely to pose in a selfie with Bono as he is to make some anachronistic declaration about a topic he can’t possibly understand, like sex or poverty.
Photos Of All The Different Masses He’s Rapped At
Like an international DJ or rapper, Pope Francis basically combines a lucrative hometown residency at his Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica with regular guest slots and appearances around the world.
Also like a poseur DJ, the Pope will want to connect with his social media fanbase (basically people over 50 and the gullible) with regular selfies of himself, arms raised on his altar with his back to a congregation waiting to hear his 2016 remix of The Lord’s Prayer.
Collection Plate Bling
Like a Mexican cartel member or a rapper, members of the clergy love nothing more than showing off a bit of bling.
Whether that be some Louis Vuitton slippers, a diamond-encrusted grill made from the One True Cross or a collection plate filled with the small-bill savings they’ve freshly extorted from the poor and ignorant via empty promises of everlasting life.
Yup, the Pope’s Instagram is sure to show off all sorts of bling with rings, sceptres and chains that even Kanye West couldn’t rival.