The UNILAD Guide To Boasting Like A Twat On Social Media

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UNILAD tumblr n8raesCNnu1sftuuto1 128079602 The UNILAD Guide To Boasting Like A Twat On Social MediaTumblr

If you’re the type of person who claims to use Facebook just for keeping in touch with friends abroad, or for keeping up to date with current affairs, then you’re really missing out on what Facebook is really all about. Needlessly trumpeting your own achievements to an audience of uninterested peers just so you can feel better about how terrible you actually are at life. Here’s a quick guide to getting the most of the social media brag…

Boasting About Your Fitness Regime

Bragging about how awesome you are at running on the spot so you don’t die too young is one of the hallmarks of the social media boast. Bragging about being a gym bunny starts before you even hit the treadmill. All you have to do is fire off a humble-brag status along the lines of “6am start in the gym, why do I even do this to myself? No pain, no gain”. Hopefully the likes and comments you receive will validate you enough to actually go to the gym, where you can stand in front of a mirror taking selfies from flattering angles, before sitting in the sauna for 15 minutes and calling it a work out.

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What it actually means: “Look at how committed to looking after my body I am, I definitely don’t spend all my days sitting on a couch, wanking between sandwiches and smoking joints.”

Selfie With A Minor Celeb

This is the modern equivalent of the autograph, proof that you met a celebrity and that, as a result, you must live an amazing life. The sort of life where meeting a cast member of TOWIE is just a mundane task in your otherwise awesome existence. You’re simply glossing your life with a modicum of additional glamour to let people know that you’re not just some normal Jeremy Kyle-watching nobody, even though that is completely what you are, and a photo of you with Joey Essex isn’t going to change that.

What it actually means: “I move in the same circles as celebrities, meaning I probably have money and success and didn’t just happen to bump into them during a meeting greet at my tacky local nightclub.”

Photo Of Your Music Production Setup

Are you a wannabe DJ or producer? Are you sick and tired of nobody knowing that? It doesn’t matter if you have only ever spent about an hour on a cracked copy of Fruity Loops before getting bored and playing Football Manager, simply post a photo of your “set up” and watch the likes roll in!

What it actually means: “Even though you’ve never heard any music I’ve made, despite me repeatedly telling you I’m a producer, look at this photo which proves that I must be a producer cause I’ve bought all the stuff.”

Selfie With An Airport Pint

Going on holiday but want a subtle way to let everybody on your Facebook know? You can’t go far wrong than taking a photo of the pint you’ll have in the airport before going, preferably a photo framed with some airplanes in the background coupled with a smug caption reading “Off to [insert city]! Can’t wait”.

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What it actually means: “I can afford to go on holidays so I have money and am successful. Also I don’t have to work for the next two weeks so nananananana, enjoy work you fuckers.”

Holiday Hot Dog Legs

Once you’re actually on holiday, the boasting doesn’t have to end silly! You’ve got hundreds of opportunities to show off your tanned body, the beautiful weather, and expensive activities you’ll be doing, mostly drinking cheap champagne and eating surf and turf at Spain’s equivalent of Nando’s. So before you take a dip in the exotic blue waters be sure to fire off a picture of your reclining legs on the sun lounger, then everyone will know that you’re sitting on a beach – while they’re having to talk about hear Bob at work describe to you the trouble he’s been having with his piles – and be super jealous. You cunt.

What it actually means: “I’m not working, I’m bored, sweaty and the food is shit but at least I’m not working, and you are!”

Status Updates About Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend

A lot of people boast on social media to mask their own self-consciousness. Thinking that if they loudly broadcast their achievements that people will naturally assume that they’re brilliant. If you secretly think your missus or bloke is a bit of a step down who probably isn’t the best looking, and you reckon you could do better, simply mask that emotion by telling everyone how you’d be lost without them, or how they’re everything to you, or that you’re the luckiest person ever just by knowing them, even though they are a bit boring and possibly fat.

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What it actually means: “I’m not sure if I love this person, or if they’re even that great, but maybe by gushing my vomitous emotions on Facebook I’ll somehow either force myself to like the person, or at least prove that I must like them enough to make a public scene out of it.”

Sport Team Brags

The expensively assembled team that you claim to support, despite being from a city in another country, have won a match against a team with no money, giving you the perfect chance to vicariously piggy back on their success.

What it actually means: “My life is so bland and unfulfilling that I like to take credit for the achievements of a sports team that has absolutely zero impact on my life.”

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