If you’re over 18 and human, then chances are you’ve experienced a hangover. Or, more accurately, if you’re no longer a young, under-25, alcohol processing machine with a golden liver as taut as Roberto Carlos’ calves then you’ll have experienced a real proper, full-blooded, emotionally battering, two-day monster hangover.
Thankfully, your days of curling up under the duvet, avoiding eye contact and watching endless hours of Jeremy Kyle while you weep softly into last night’s pizza are over! All you have to do is follow these simple steps.
Think Happy Thoughts
First off, try to avoid dwelling on that overtly sexual text you sent to your platonic friend at 4am on a Tuesday morning, or the doner meat that’s now rotting in your nicotine-stained teeth, and focus only on good things. We’re not talking about world peace or the smell of the rain, abstract niceties like that pale in comparison to the mighty black dread of the hangover. You’re going to have to focus only on pleasant stuff that generates a physical response, like wanking and eating… it’s that simple. Eat something delicious, a pesto, cheese and ham sandwich for example – and wash it down with a friendly wank, perhaps about an old flame, or friend’s mother. Then basically repeat this process until you feel better or you’ve expended all your bodily fluids.
Hair Of The Dog That Bit You On Your Arse
There is an age old cure that has been used throughout human history, favoured by the Irish (calm down commenters, I’m Irish too), hard drinking ’50s advertising execs, and tramps (so you know it works) which is sure to steady your hand and make the day a little more bearable – the hair of the dog that bit you. This involves having a cheeky half the morning after the night before. Sure it might increase your likelihood of developing a problem with alcohol and yes, it’s pretty bad for you, but look at it this way, those are long term macro-problems that are best left regretted on your deathbed. Right now the only thing that’s important is to stop feeling like someone has wiped their shitty arse with your brain, so drink up, it’ll all be fine. Again, don’t over drink, drinking to get rid of a hangover is for taking the edge off only, not for getting drunk.
Dose Up And Drive The Demons Away
Another way to solve the hangover crisis is to treat your brain and guts like a South American conflict zone in a Hollywood movie and send in a crack team of muscled Schwarznegger clones for a precision strike against the alcohol narco-terrrorists causing havoc in your head and stomach. Hangovers are mostly caused by stupidity and peer pressure, but also by an imbalance in electrolytes, salt levels and dehydration. The best way to get yourself back on track is by addressing that balance using Dioralyte for the salts, paracetamol for the pain (if you have a headache, say) and Berocca for some nutrients. Repeat this every few hours until you start to feel better or your piss turns orange.
Stop Staring At That Glass Of Water And Drink It
After a heavy bout of drinking, be it a few too many after work that ends in eating a sloppy takeaway and falling asleep still dressed on the bathroom floor, or a four day super bender that leaves you with bruises on your actual soul, your body is fucked. The best way to cure it is with food and water. There are two schools of thought on what the best thing to eat is. Some favour the greasiest possible food you can imagine, like sausages floating in chip fat; while others think that gently tonguing a kale-filled Nutri-bullet is the answer… both work! Eating something is key, preferably something mildly healthy washed down with loads of water. Feel free to post pics of said food with the caption ‘new week, new me’ on Facebook for extra encouragement, your mates will love you for it…
Sweet Dreams (Are Fucking Vital After 15 Pints Of Stella)
The final, and most important, of all coping methods for the 21st Century hangover is as unchanging as the moon or Anne Robinson’s face – sleep. Unfortunately, because of “society” we can’t just bury our head under a duvet, nail a Valium and snooze away the afternoon til we feel better. If you can do that, do it now! For everyone else, struggle through the day using the above tips but the moment you’re within 10 feet of a pillow, place your head on it, put another pillow on top of your head and dream deep black dreams til you wake up headache free.
Or you could just stand in front of a mirror and slap yourself in the face while repeating the phrase “I’m a pathetic drunk mess who needs to cop on and take control of my life” until you feel bad enough that you won’t drink for at least two days.