Does your flatmate clog the drain with their unkept, infrequently-washed hair? Is their bedroom carpet now composed entirely of old pizza boxes and pubes? Does the warm smell of mouldy arse hit you like a muck-spreading tractor every time you walk down the corridor? Then read on, my high blood-pressured friend, this is the how-to guide for you.*
Leave Passive Aggressive Notes Around The Flat And Blame It On The Previous Tenant’s Ghost
Passive aggressive note leaving is the flatmate equivalent of diving in football, nobody wants to see it happen, but sometimes it’s the only option to make a decision go your way. Instead of acting like a confrontation-phobic mouse and leaving vaguely moany notes on the fridge, simply invent a ghost of an old woman that used to live in your flat who sporadically comes a-haunting when the gaff gets messy. Say she’s obsessive, compulsive and will only go away if your messy flatmate starts actually doing the dishes instead of letting them collect dust and bacteria like some kind of deranged experiment to see how much filth it takes for you all to get cholera. Everytime he leaves his shit everywhere, write a note in fake blood on the fridge, or move shit around in his room while you were ‘at work/uni’, or stand on the end of his bed in a wig and white gown, wielding a feather duster and Marigolds, waiting for him to wake up so you can start screaming the clean up song from Barney in your most haunting Thom Yorke falsetto. He’ll be so terrified he’ll soon start cleaning his share.
Piss In Their Tea
An old classic favoured by evil college fraternities for its simple effectiveness, and by hemp skirt wearing homeopaths for its antioxidant properties and refreshing taste, probably. The only drawback is that you’ll have to keep making the idle fuckwit tea, but vengefully squirting hot yellow piss out of your cock/vagina into the cup should make up for this slight effort. It won’t actually make them be less messy but you can enjoy watching their faces scrunch into a grimace as your tasty urine hits their tongue. That’s worth putting up with a few soggy towels on the bathroom floor, or pubes on the toilet seat.
Stage A Hostage Situation Where You Threaten To Kill One Of His Pets/Loved Ones Unless He Mops The Kitchen Floor
This might seem a tad extreme, but look at it this way, if you don’t take measures then who’s to stop your flatmate leaving teabags in the sink or drops of piss on the toilet seat forever and ever, or at least until you die of a stress induced brain aneurysm. You’ve already tried leaving passive aggressive notes on the fridge, now it’s time to leave aggressive, aggressive notes in fake blood on their cat’s face. On second thoughts, you could just threaten that one of his parents is going to take up living in the spare room and share a bathroom with him, that’ll learn him.
Collect Semen From His Crusty Towels And Clone A New Housemate, Who You Can Train To Be Good At Cleaning
Maybe there’s a way that you just don’t have to put up with your messy flatmate any longer. Unfortunately, murder isn’t really justified, unless he’s done something really disgusting like wiped his snots on your eyebrow or left chewing gum in the ashtray. Plus you’ll almost always get caught for murder, that is of course, unless you have their doppelgänger with whom you can perform the simple bait and switch. Gather up some semen-encrusted towels from your flatmate’s floor (this shouldn’t be difficult – in fact, if these don’t exist, then maybe he’s not that dirty). Use the DNA to incubate a perfect life-sized replica of the feckless cretin and make sure this one never pretends to be incapable of working a fucking dishwasher. Then train him to commit bloody murder and clear the scene of evidence, as you’re going to have to urge him to kill his original copy, lest he be shunned as a clone. Then simply blackmail the murdering replicant scum to do all your cleaning as well as his own. Job done!
Catfish Your Flatmate By Disguising Yourself As A Member Of The Opposite Sex And Organising Weekly Sex Dates
Everyone knows the most common time for someone to get up off their arse and clean is when a member of the opposite sex is coming over and they’ve got a slim chance of a shag, but probably not if it’s in a pile of their own filth. Sheets are washed, windows are opened, twice-worn underwear cleared off the floor, all in anticipation of turning your room into a sexy, ambient fuck-hole for your main squeeze. No cleanup is more thorough than the anticipatory sex cleanup, so in order to prompt your flatmate into getting his or her shit together, I’m afraid you’re going to have to catfish them. Use their internet porn search history to create an amalgam of all their sexual preferences and hit up their dating profile – even if this means you’re going to have to become a massive-titted dwarf in a Japanese schoolgirl uniform. Then just arrange to come over for some D-on-V action on a bi-weekly basis so they get their shit together and cleanse themselves and their rooms. This tactic does however have one small drawback – you’re either going to have to have sex with your flatmate while disguised as some kind of idealised sex doll OR slowly break his or her heart as you routinely and callously make dates and cancel, leaving your flatmate a broken-hearted shell of a human being… whose only saving grace is that they keep themselves and your flat immaculately clean, you heartless bastard, you.
*Don’t do any of the above unless you fancy having your face plastered all over Crimewatch/a Facebook page dedicated to anally-retentive nutjobs.