2016’s been a bit of a duff year in general hasn’t it? And unfortunately the movie world’s been no different.
From crappy sequels, terrible reboots and downright awful attempts to set up expanded universes it’s not been the most glamorous year for the silver screen.
In fact things got so bad that Hollywood suffered one of the worst years financially in a decade. So as it’s Christmas, a time to slaughter turkeys, here are the worst movies we saw this year!
Fifty Shades Of Black
After the cinematic war crime that was Vampires Suck I thought humanity as a whole was done with parody movies, well it turns out I was wrong because Fifty Shades of Black is a thing someone actually made.
Somehow managing to be less funny than the film it’s parodying, Fifty Shades of Black is an affront to every comedy movie ever made. I’ve laughed more watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory than this ‘movie’.
In fact fuck calling it a movie I’m going to refer to it as ‘turd’ for the rest of this article.
Slightly racist, homophobic and somehow managing to make dick jokes not funny this turd makes me angry just writing about it. In fact this turd was so bad that my roommate, who thinks The Love Guru and Meet the Spartans have merit, thought it was shit.
The only good thing I can say about Fifty Shades of Black is that I didn’t pay to see it, I watched it on a friend’s Netflix account, so I didn’t feel guilty when after thirty minutes we switched it off.
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
A dark, gritty, confused mess of a movie Batman V Superman fails on so many levels that I’m starting to think DC are doing it deliberately, I mean how do you mess up a story you’ve done about fifty times in comics.
I’m convinced that the ultimate problem with Batman V Superman, and the DC Cinematic Universe as a whole, is that Zack Synder isn’t a good storyteller who’s so concerned with action set pieces that he forgets he’s trying to tell a story.
Seriously some of the things that happen in this film only make sense if you entertain the idea that Batman and Superman have somehow broken the fourth wall and read the script.
And while Zack’s more than capable of shooting flashy action scenes his failure to characterise the world’s finest as anything more than growling thugs robs his action slug-fests of any emotional weight.
All that said, to be fair some of the scenes were pretty cool looking and while I can’t get over Zack’s weird interpretation of Batman and Superman I will say Ben Affleck was impressive as the caped crusader.
Independence Day: Resurgence
Independence Day is one of my favourite movies so you’d think I’d enjoy the sequel. Unfortunately you’d be wrong because for some reason the universe won’t let me have nice things.
Independence Day: Resurgence takes everything I loved about the first one, turns it up to eleven then keeps turning the knob until it breaks off and ruins what was a perfectly good amp.
Sorry I got lost in a metaphor there but it’s true, this movie is just broken, with a messy script, jumbled action scenes and a ridiculously unfortunate title considering the day it came out in the UK.
I can sum up why I hate this movie in three words ‘elephant vagina scene’. Now lets move on before we waste any more letters on this tripe…
Suicide Squad has a special place on this list because it looked so good, so good that I was convinced it would redeem the DC expanded universe, my hopes were misplaced.
Poorly edited with no real structure, Suicide Squad felt less like a movie and more like a horse built by committee, leaving it a confused mess of a movie which is a real shame because I genuinely believe there’s a decent movie in there somewhere.
To paraphrase a far better film journalist than myself, Mark Kermode, if you can honestly say that you loved Suicide Squad you’re lying to yourself because, while I’m willing to admit there’s some fun to be found in David Ayer’s re-cut mess, it is a terrible movie.
Gods of Egypt
Of all the awful crap I’ve sat through this year Gods of Egypt is amongst the worst, I’d rather subject myself to every other film (Fifty Shades aside) on this list rather than sit through the first five minutes again.
Dull action, a predictable plot and some really questionable casting choices all combine to make a movie that makes Batman and Robin look competent, I’d rather stub my little toe every hour on the hour than ever have to think about it again.
Of course if any of you reading this saw these movies and loved them then all we can say is everyone’s entitled to their own opinion after-all cinema’s a broad church