Ah your twenties, that magical time when it’s okay to eat pizza in bed, drink Jägerbombs, and you consider catching chlamydia merely a sign of a good night instead of a medical emergency.
Unfortunately, the time of mucking about and living like a student will come to an end once your thirtieth birthday rolls around and sounds a death knell on your years of taking the piss, bringing the fact that you’re an actual adult into stark reality.
Here are the things you can’t really get away with anymore once you hit the big 3-0…
Going Out Two Nights On The Trot
Trust me, when you get to thirty this pretty much stops being an option anyway – unless of course you like three day hangovers, in which you make repeated declarations to never drink again while googling the symptoms of alcoholism and liver disease.
Turning thirty means cutting back on the ale, not because there’s a moral justification for it or anything, it’s just that hangovers are only going to get more horrific and disturbing, like a snuff movie in which a bottle of Jägermeister with an evil laugh pisses onto your weeping soul.
Sitting Around Binge Watching TV Shows
We’ve all been there – it’s 2am and you really, really should be getting the head down, having the pre-sleep wank and getting off to sleep, but the show you’re watching is just too damn compelling!
So, you inevitably utter the TV junkie’s catchphrase of “just one more episode, then I’ll go to sleep” like an addict strung out on the bright lights of Walter White’s face.
Eat Takeaways Every Night
Put the phone down and pick up a NutriBullet, you’re quickly running out of time in which to get rid of that flabby midriff.
All those plans you keep putting off of getting fit in the New Year actually need to start being carried out or you’ll never be healthy and will die in your 60s, probably on the toilet in your local McDonald’s after trying to force out faecal matter denser than a neutron star.
Drinking & Drugging Your Way Through Every Weekend
Unless you’re a DJ, living and working in Ibiza, then 30 marks the time when you need to stop snorting your way through every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.
Your twenties are over, they were amazing but unless you want jaundice and a deviated septum then it has to stop (although once in a while or at festivals is perfectly acceptable).
You need to start looking at your keys as a handy item which open your front door and not an acceptable surface from which to do bumps in a nightclub toilet.
Hitting Up Your Parents For Money
Some of us were smart and studied a useful subject at college and now have well-paid careers as engineers or doctors, but a lot of us studied Medieval Literature or Philosophy and now work a zero-hour contract in the local Tesco for shit pay.
In which case, hitting up your dad for £20 until pay day is not an unusual occurrence but after 30 you really shouldn’t be doing it, unless you’re living out some kind of a performance art piece titled ‘My Life Is A Pathetic, Embarrassing Mess’ starring yourself in a variety of gritty scenarios like not being able to pay rent, eating beans from a can, and seriously debating turning tricks.
Only Cleaning Your Toilet When It Starts Smelling
The spiritual cousin of only emptying the bin when it’s overflowing, only doing a proper clean of your toilet when the pong burns your eyes or to impress a potential sex partner is something that you need to leave behind in your twenties.
And that doesn’t mean simply giving a cursory squirt of hot piss onto the caked-on shit stains decorating your toilet bowl and thinking “done”, although you are allowed enjoy that part of it.
Changing Your Bedsheets Only When Sex Is On The Cards
Most people don’t view having clean bedsheets solely as a precursor to Netflix and chill, they see it as a normal part of life, and once you hit the big 3-0 you’ll need to get with the program.
Gone are the days of living in a pizza-box and pubes strewn wank-pit which you only clean when you know another human is coming over so you can rub body parts together.
Not Knowing How To Cook A Meal
If you’re between the age of 18 and 30 and still consider yourself a beans on toast connoisseur then you’re basically just an overgrown student.
If, however, you slip into your thirties without even knowing how to lash together a spag bol then there’s something seriously wrong and you’re either (a) a moron (b) a takeaway eating fiend who’ll have a heart attack at 40 or (c) someone who just wants to watch the world burn.
Fancy Dress Parties
Just no! The only fancy dress parties it’s acceptable to attend post-thirty are ones you’ve reluctantly thrown for your own kids, that you use as an excuse to surreptitiously drink beer and eat BBQ.
Making A Big Deal Out Of Birthday Parties
Get in the sea! You’re not getting any presents, you’re visibly aging and you’re one year closer to the cold embrace of the grave, it’s not worth celebrating.
Birthday parties should only be celebrated at the beginning of your life when you’ve survived another year of infancy without dying from whooping cough, and then again at the very end of your life when you’re still hanging in there while your annoyed children become increasingly impatient to get their hands on your money.