Dads, eh? When they’re not shouting at the horse racing, Teletext or you, they’re being frequently mystified by the modern world and all its Kardashian shaped trappings.
A dad, for example, can’t watch an episode of The Only Way Is Essex without shaking his head and thinking “why?” (But, then, neither can I, to be honest).
There’s just some things that dads, no matter how hard they try, just don’t get about the world of 2016…
Full Sleeve Tattoos
The only tattoos your dad approves of are ones of the badge of your favourite football team or an anchor if you happen to be a merchant seaman.
Anything else will just strike your all-knowing dad as a waste of time, money and ink.
The modern fascination with healthy living will have been lost on your dad, who grew up eating a diet consisting entirely of chips, beans and bacon.
The exercise that your Dad got was actually called ‘work’ and consisted of going to the factory and/or mines every day for 25 years until your back broke.
Your dad just doesn’t understand that now we’re all basically secretaries stapled to a computer for 40 hours a week, the only physical activity we’re likely to get is putting on some shorts and running on a treadmill twice a week, while incessantly tweeting about our progress.
Or “that boom boom” music, as your father probably calls it.
The modern dad is utterly baffled as to how anyone can enjoy standing in a dark nightclub listening to music that, to him, sounds like a hippo falling down a flight of stairs forever.
He’ll always regard it dismissively even though he sees nothing wrong with listening to Engelbert Humperdinck and having seen Elton John in concert.
“Back in [your dad’s] day” footballers weren’t preened Adonises who cry every time they’re tackled, despite being seven feet tall and composed mostly of tanned muscles.
In the 70s and 80s footballers were long haired, working class lads who liked a drink and could play an entire game in a foot of mud while hungover.
The modern footballer with his sponsorship deals, extra-marital shenanigans and endorsements is a foreign creature to your dad who will regularly reminisce about “real footballers”.
And I’m not talking about the Lana Del Rey track, although he won’t get that either.
Having grown up when the only game it was possible to play involved running around outside in the fresh, cold air, your dad probably can’t get his head around how anyone would derive fun from controlling a bunch of colours on a screen.
He thinks videogames are both a waste of money and energy, and he’d much rather play poker or pool in a smoky pub than complete Metal Gear Solid in record time.
Any Music Made After 1980
Dads by their very nature are conservative creatures who won’t wear t-shirts with logos, believe 1970s working men’s club comedy is still the epitome of hilarity, and disdain any music that was made after they stopped being young gunslingers – so, basically anything made after around 1980.
If it doesn’t include a guitar or has any element of rapping in it or an electronic beat, then it’ll confuse and bewilder even the most clued in dad.
My dad’s relationship with social media has either been to malign Facebook as “a load of bollocks” or make a brief foray onto the site, during which time he mostly accidentally types private message onto my wall, sends Candy Crush requests, and re-shares fake privacy statuses like a total noob!
Your granny might be able to use a computer but her and your Dad will never really get social media, probably because they come from a time when keeping something private was considered a virtue and everybody didn’t walk around with a personal photo album detailing every aspect of their sordid little lives for the amusement of strangers.