Reddit is the front page of the internet.
As such, it’s an absolute goldmine for hilarious stories and insightful posts – credit where credits due, Reddit, keep up the good work in 2016!
This year we learnt a lot from the site, and here is a roundup of the most valuable lessons Reddit had to offer in 2015.
What Happens To Paedophiles In Prison
Yeah, this was a bit of a dark one…
The thread started with the question: ‘Former convicts of Reddit, what DID happen to pedophiles in prison?’, and it was promptly answered by numerous users that claimed to have done time behind bars.
Be warned some of the content is extremely graphic.
When Morning Blowjobs Go Terribly Wrong
An alarm clock is a traditional tool in the battle to wake up in the morning.
Although there are other, more elaborate tools out there – Wallace and Gromit know all about this, of course. And if you really wanted to get traditional, a cockerel would be the number one choice.
But if you are to use a cock to wake you up, make sure it’s a male chicken, rather than your dick.
Because as this Reddit user revealed in a thread titled: ‘TIFU by telling my girlfriend that she should start waking me up with a blowjob’, waking up to a blowjob isn’t always as good as it might seem.
I’ve been working odd hours to meet deadlines recently plus promoting a few parties for some side scratch, basically my sleep schedule has been completely fucked for the past couple months. Naturally my girlfriend, who sleeps like a normal human being for the most part, started getting a little bummed out recently on account that we are living on two different schedules.
After several failed attempts to wake him up to spend some time together – the guy was a deep sleeper – he suggested she try and rouse him with a blowjob. Seems like a win win, what could possibly go wrong?
Fast forward to Thursday night, I’m in the strong embrace of an epic sleep, adventuring through the alternate reality that is my dreamscape when I feel this beautiful, warming sensation emanating from my loins, embracing my whole body, and I was so content, so happy, so relaxed until it was all shattered by a high pitched scream. A mixture of anger, complete horror, and utter disbelief which manifested itself into the words “WHAT THE FUCK!” Simultaneously, of a sudden my face is now being splashed with some luke warm mystery liquid, and a slightly warmer liquid is gently raining down everywhere. I snap awake and realize…
I just pissed in my girlfriends mouth, she spit that mouthful of piss in my face, and I’m now continuing to rain down a morning, or in this case evening wood sprinkle system-esque cascade of piss. Fuck.
So remember this the next time you decide to get your girlfriend to wake you up with a blowjob – the morning flow takes no prisoners.
The Woman Whose Boyfriend Wouldn’t Stop Eating Her Poo
Yeah, that old chestnut.
A 28-year-old woman took to Reddit to ask for advice, when her wonderful boyfriend of a year and a half started eating her shit.
She began by banging on about how brilliant this guy was, and how much fun they have etc etc. But – Plot Twist – he then started saying he thought it was sexy when she poos, and asked if he could watch.
Long story short she eventually let him watch, which is weird, but she then said they had “amazing sex right after this happens… So, I let it go on without too much resistance” which is also weird.
And the next bit is best told by her:
Here’s what’s now killing me. A few months ago, I agreed to let him taste it. Poop. I know how disgusting this must sound. He’s done it somewhere close to 10 times now. It’s nothing too extreme but he will take a little bite of it and kind of lick it like an ice cream or something. I know this is so gross, and I completely agree. I looked the first time out of curiosity but after that I just left the bathroom and let him do his business. I do not want to be physically present when this happens.
Yep. She let him. And here they are, “still in a great relationship and having decent sex after a year and half, BUT… I am having a really hard time when we kiss now.” Understandable.
She finished off with a cry for help:
Can I just put my foot down suddenly after months of this and refuse to let him come in the bathroom with me? Can I dial it back to him JUST watching me? I’m not sure how he would react. I don’t want to ruin this relationship or our sex life, but things can’t continue like this or I’m afraid I won’t be able to be intimate with him at all at some point.
Run. Run for the hills and don’t look back.
You can read the full story, in all its disgusting glory, here.
Why You Should Never Shave Your Balls And Eat Spicy Food
Sometimes a weird chain of events can lead to something spectacularly unexpected, equally hilarious and in the case of this guy, eye-wateringly painful.
This little gem, posted on the ‘Today I Fucked Up’ (TIFU) thread on Reddit tells a story of love, closeness, laughter, a razor, some testicles and some nachos. I think it’s best that I leave it to author of the tale, SouthernFuckinBelle, to fill you in on the details.
My husband and I shower together regularly, as we are big fans of being naked together. Last night while my husband was washing his hair I decided to be a shithead, because thats just the kind of person I am, and I thought it would be funny to shave one of his ass cheeks. After about four strokes with the razor he turned around and looking puzzled said “Are you shaving my butt?!” We had a little laugh, but then he decided everything needed to be evened out so he went ahead with some all out manscaping- balls and all. After the shower we got ready to lay in bed and watch The Babadook. Normally we would never eat in bed, but as we were in the middle of a busy stressful week, we decided to plate up some nachos to eat while we watched the movie. My husband loves nachos- and goes all out when he makes them. He shredded fresh cheese, cut up fresh habaneros, warmed up some salsa and put it all on a tray so we wouldn’t get crumbs everywhere. We eat our nachos, watch our movie, clean up and lay down to get some shut eye. After a kiss goodnight, husband reached down to adjust himself and a few seconds later starts freaking out. He had never washed his hands after making nachos and just grabbed his freshly shaved balls with habanero hands. We realized what was going on had to run downstairs and pour the last of the milk into a bowl so he could put his junk in it. So there we are at 12:30 a.m. holding his bait and tackle in a bowl of milk in the living room while tears silently stream down his face. Now I’m telling strangers on the internet about it.
Let that be a warning to you all…
People Like To Be Publicly Humiliated Online, Apparently
In 2015 RoastMe was one of the fastest growing non-default subreddits on the whole of Reddit, and there is a pretty good reason for it.
Everyone loves witnessing a good roasting, and that’s exactly why this particular sub has been set up. Basically, people who are brave enough post a picture of themselves holding a piece of paper which asks people to roast them. Then, if you haven’t already guessed, they get roasted by the kind folk of Reddit. HARD.
Usually, abuse like this both in real life and over the internet isn’t cool, at all, but in this case, people have quite literally asked for it – so we can’t really defend them. And the resulting roasts are seriously brutal.
Brilliant. Hats off to all Reddit users, you’ve had a brilliant year!