The nightclub, a spiritual place where ravers flock to worship MDMA – or glorified catwalks where tanned and tattooed cretins go to take photos of themselves pretending to have a good time. Whatever you think nightclubs are home to a wealth of annoying characters and these six are the morons you’re almost guaranteed to meet ‘in da club’.
The Shady Dealer
You can spot this guy as he won’t crack a smile for the entire night, preferring to lean against a wall looking hard and scowling. His regular haunt is the men’s toilets where he’ll be grudgingly giving potential customers tasters of his stepped on, weak cocaine and dodgy pills. His soul purpose on the night out is to make money, although he wouldn’t mind getting in a fight as it proves how much of a gangster he is, despite the fact that he still lives with his mum and would get kicked off his business degree if he got caught.
The Chin-Stroking Hipster
You see that guy barely dancing down the back of the club while stroking his chin and looking thoughtful, he’s the chin-stroking hipster who’s only here to offer a contrarian view on the DJ’s skills which he can then post on Resident Advisor before getting into an argument with another moustachioed anorak about the merits of vinyl over CD.
The Topless Lad Off His Tits
Probably the only person in the club genuinely having a good time, you’ll find this guy with his top off, hands up, standing at the very front with his jaw rolling around his head like a tumble dryer while every so often whooping, regardless of if the track is kicking in or not. Get too close and he’ll almost certainly hug you leaving a coating of warm sweat streaked on the back of your neck.
The Wannabe DJs
You can spot this group of lads surrounding the DJ box and looking on aggressively at every nuance the DJ is making in his set, mumbling to themselves and taking notes, keen to let everyone who gets close know that they’re DJs too and giving you a running commentary on the year, artist and remix of every track that comes on, like they’re some kind of techno-encyclopedia and not just a lad with Shazam on his phone.
If some muppet in huaraches who looks like he just stepped off a plane from Ibiza kicks you in the shin you can rest assured that you’ve just met your first shuffler. A group of cretins so desperate for attention that they’re will to dance like giraffes being cattle-prodded in the back of a Prodigy video because they suddenly like deep house after doing ketamine at V Festival this summer.