One of the best things about Christmas is all the awesome Christmas films. But how different would our festive favourites be with these alternate storylines?
Plot: Kevin and his large family are going on holiday for the festive period, but his parents accidentally leave the little lad at home in all the hubbub. Kevin spends the next few days alone in the house, until a pair of incompetent burglars show up to do the place over. Kevin comes up with a variety of home-made traps to thwart the baddies until the police show up, and his family eventually come home to retrieve him.
Realistic Plot: After being left home alone by his incompetent parents, Kevin’s house is burgled with him inside. He attempts to stop the assailants by laying small toys on the floor and greasing the stairs. The burglars have no problem avoiding these inconveniences and burgle the fuck out of Kevin’s house anyway. When his parents return, Kevin is taken into child protective custody and his parents are taken to court for neglect. The burglars get away scott free and flee the country soon after.
Plot: Buddy the Elf is a fully grown human living at the north pole. Orphaned as a child, Buddy has a big heart and half a braincell, unaware that he’s not two foot tall and kinda shitty at making toys until well into his adult years. Upon hearing that his real dad lives in New York City, Buddy sets off to find him and live a normal human life. Unfortunately for Buddy, his dad, Walter, is a crotchety old businessman with little interest in the father/ son relationship. Buddy’s elfish hijinks raise a couple of chuckles and a lot of feels until his dad loves him.
Realistic Plot: “Buddy the Elf” is in a low security mental institution for believing that he is one of Santa’s elves. Left there by his troubled father, Buddy eventually breaks out and goes on a mission to find his dad and make everybody believe he’s really an elf. Buddy takes his father hostage alongside his new family, and forces them to eat grotesque concoctions like spaghetti and maple syrup to give them early onset diabetes. Buddy is eventually tracked down and forced to return to his home, where he proudly tells everyone that he helped his dad’s business write the best Christmas book of all time.
Plot: Grizzled New York cop John McClane is attending his wife’s work Christmas do when a bunch of dodgy German terrorists take it over. McClane gets himself a machine gun, and kills the terrorists one by one as the police watch the whole thing unfold outside the building eating doughnuts. Our mate John learns what it feels like to be a TV dinner, drags his feet through broken glass and eventually kills Snape to save the day.
Realistic Plot: John McClane attends his wife’s work Christmas do when a bunch of hardcore German terrorists take it over. These terrorists are ruthless and competent, and immediately execute a couple of captives to let the police know then mean business. McClane realises that he must do something to remedy the dire situation. He bides his time, waiting for one of the terrorists to turn his back, before racing towards him and trying to wrestle his gun away. Upon seeing this, the other terrorists shoot McClane on site. The waiting SWAT team storms the building moments later, killing the terrorists with minimal civilian casualties.
The Santa Claus
Plot: Tim Allen is a divorced dad trying to do well by his loving son while holding down a full time job. On Christmas night, Allen accidentally kills Santa Claus and must take his place to get presents delivered to all the boys and girls. What seems like an impossible task is accomplished and Allen, now Santa Claus, strengthens the bond between himself and his son, both blanketed by fuzzy Christmas feelings.
Realistic Plot: Tim Allen is a bit of a dick. One Christmas Eve, his son is staying over when the pair hear footsteps on the roof. Allen runs out and screams at the man, a drunken reveller, to get off his roof. The man slips and falls to his death. Allen makes his son help him hide the body from the feds, but gets caught when he’s seen wearing the missing man’s clothing. Allen is locked up for 25 to life and never hears from his traumatised son again.
A Christmas Carol
Plot: Ebenezer Scrooge is a royal dick to everybody he meets. He is visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve to make him realise the error of his ways, by scaring the shit out of him and basically calling him a child murderer. All this excitement turns him into a decent bloke to be around, and he goes on to live one, two more years tops of being okay since he’s about 100 years old when the film starts.
Realistic Plot: Grade-A asshole Scrooge is visited by three ghosts to make him realise that he’s a massive debbie downer and none of his mates can be arsed with him any more. After realising the error of his ways, Scrooge is visited by a fourth ghost – Death. Death is like, ‘dude you’re dead you can’t change anything now’ and Scrooge is made to spend an eternity in Limbo, re-living his evil deeds. Also nobody gives a shit that he’s dead.