As time’s up on 2015, a year during which hilarious walking comb over Donald Trump ran for President, ISIS became public enemy No. 1 and Kim Kardashian’s arse got more news coverage than a Boko Haram massacre ever will, we can start to glance forward and wonder what 2016 will bring?
Donald Trump Will Declare War On His Own Reflection
After securing the position as President of the United States of America, building an anti-Mexican wall and pioneering a new political ideology simply labelled Repugnantism, Trump will finally turn sights on his long standing enemy – his own lifeless hair. Fed up with looking like a bleached Brillo pad has made a home on his head Trump will be hospitalised after attempting to head butt his own reflection.
Kanye West Will Chisel His Own Face Into Mt. Rushmore
2016 will be the year of the Kanye according to the international Kanye calendar and will mark the year when the megastar finally goes full Bond-villain and chisels his smiling face into the side of Mt. Rushmore thus solidifying his place as the most influential American leader since Lincoln.
Katie Hopkins Will Publicly Slap A Fat Child
How this hasn’t happened yet nobody knows but in 2016 Katie Hopkins will definitely slap a fat child publicly, probably while calling it a cunt and robbing its chips.
Justin Bieber Will Build His Own Rehab
Bieber will revolutionalise the Disney-kid-gone-bad paradigm not by checking into rehab and making a sombre act of contrition on Oprah, but by buying his own Neverland ranch style rehab facility in which fluffy characters dressed as Lindsay Lohan and the Two Coreys will greet overwrought celebrities with cranberry juice colonics and advice on attention seeking Instagram posts.
ISIS Will Bomb The Moon
The version of the Koran that ISIS are making up in their own heads contains a passage which claims that only when the moon is blown out of the sky will the armies of Rome shit themselves and go home so that Daesh can have their shitty little bit of desert in which to build their pre-industrial paradise.
England Will Get Knocked Out Of The Euros Early
Not actually even a jokey prediction. This will surely happen and it’ll be knives out. My prediction for the villain of this year’s piece is one of Raheem Sterling’s 15 kids who will accidentally videotape his father drinking non-alcoholic gripe water on the eve of the tournament causing him to be sent home in disgrace following a Daily Mail campaign.
Manbuns Will Be Ditched In Favour Of Manpigtails
Also in 2016 the manbun will go out of fashion as men adopt the new mantails look, which is basically a cross between Pippy Longstockings and Khal Drogo.
Six Million People Will Die In Swegway Related Accidents
The world will mourn the avoidable passing of millions of cretins as swegways continue to cause accidents daily…
The David Cameron Vs Pig Sextape Will Be Released
Lord Ashcroft will pay for burglars to break into Boris Johnson’s London wank-bunker where amidst the copies of German milkmaid porn and Thatcher speeches they’ll find footage of a naked, sweaty David Cameron repeatedly putting his erect penis into the waiting mouth of a live pig while Freak by Another Level plays in the candlelit background.