In life, as in movies, there’s a certain wisdom to sticking to a successful formula – what worked once may work again.
Nowhere is this adherence to a successful formula more apparent than in the oeuvre of high-octane action producer Michael Bay, and to a lesser extent, his heterosexual life partner, Jerry Bruckheimer. (I could have included Don Simpson in here but that dude’s a whole other story).
Here’s how they do it…
There’s Some Barely Written Smoking Hot Siren
Both Bay and Bruckheimer are equally guilty of casting the most ridiculously beautiful sexpot in film and giving her a role where she mostly runs around and bends over things while sweating.
For proof, see: Megan Fox in Transformers.
The Soundtrack Will Feature Some Past-It Rock Band Singing A Shit Yet Catchy Power Ballad
Okay, so this one is mostly aimed at Armageddon and the interminable ‘Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’ by Aerosmith.
But I’m pretty sure that most of his films, from Pearl Harbour to Transformers, feature some saccharine ballad sung by a pop stooge that will probably go to number 1 everywhere and haunt the rest of your very existence.
The Camera Will Spin Around The Subject Unnecessarily
Although they’re probably the strongest of Bay’s films, Bad Boys and Bad Boys 2, mostly consist of the ever-charming Will Smith sharing barbs with Martin Lawrence in the hot LA sun while the camera spins around them.
It’s not even used sparingly or during a high stakes action scene, they could be doing something as mundane as standing up and the camera will circle around them endlessly as if trying to trick the viewer into thinking that what they’re watching is even the slightest bit interesting…
Frantic Editing Will Make You Almost Puke
Like the unnecessary twirling camera, Bay will be so insistent on making you believe that Guy A waving a gun at Guy B from the back of Truck C is so damned compelling, that he’ll put in 15 needless edit points so that your rapid eye movement keeps you awake through the rest of whatever ordeal it is you happen to be watching.
There’ll Be At Least 50 Explosions
There are so many explosions in Michael Bay films that only one explanation makes sense – Michael Bay is sexually attracted to stuff blowing up.
There will be at least 50 explosions in each film! That’s a Bay guarantee. Or if not 50 explosions, then at least a couple of really fucking huge ones that cost millions to create.
On-set that day you can imagine an excited Bay, pushing down the plunger, fully erect and smiling.
Cars & Guns Will Be The Sexiest Things Ever
I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a U.S. military loyalty card, but if there is then Bay has six.
Much like his suspected sexual fascination with explosions, Bay is plainly aroused by guns and military vehicles.
Okay, so that last statement probably isn’t true, but it sure as hell seems like he’s got some kind of weird threesome going on with big guns and bigger cars.
Some Life-Sized GI Joe Will Utter A Catchphrase
At some point in the film, a muscle-bound cretin will say something like ‘lock and load’ or ‘look alive’ while running from an explosion with a gun in hand – usually it’ll be aimed dismissively at the skinny, geeky guy in glasses who by Act 3 will have killed someone and thus proved himself a man in the eyes of the hero – just like in real life.
At the end of the day though Mr. Bay, you’ve directed one of the greatest action films of all time in The Rock and for that and Megan Fox, we’re eternally grateful..