It’s the morning after Halloween and we’re sure plenty of people have some pretty spooky tales to tell about their antics last night.
However, horror stories come in many forms and there are none more scary than the realisation you’re sharing a flat with someone who’s a complete nutter, animal hater or sex maniac.
And, thanks to Reddit, we can now see some of the scariest and weirdest examples of contenders for ‘Worst Housemate Ever’.
We thought our mate bringing home that green woman at 3am this morning and leaving the flat coated in a thin layer of paint was bad, but our stories have got nothing on these!
Here’s just eight examples of housemates who we’re really glad we never had to share a house with…
1) The Pet Murderer
Killed my rabbit and used his bones to form some sort of makeshift Satanic summoning ritual thing on her bed.
I wish I was making this up.
I didn’t even confront her, the next night when I knew she was working late at McDonald’s I got a friend with a truck and got all of my shit out of there. Probably the most stressful time of my college years.
2) The Dog Puncher
She punched my dog in a fit of drunken douchebaggery.
3) The Cry Wanker
She’d weep for some period of time while using a vibrator (it was a studio apartment with 4 of us living there).
4) The Blatant Pervert
He used to masturbate while I was in the room. Awake. Sitting three feet from him.
5) The Rubbish Drug User
He drank my contact lens solution because he thought it was drugs. The whole bottle. A big bottle. Not only did he not figure it out while not being remotely high halfway through a fucking pint of lens solution, if it had been drugs, he would’ve died a lot.Advertisement
Bonus idiocy: Also claimed he invented lettuce wraps.
6) The Criminal
Ran an illegal ebay theft and resale ring out of my apartment. I flew home to Texas to go to a family funeral and two days in to the trip had FBI Special Agents calling my phone, and telling me they had confiscated all the computers in my house.
I was cleared of all wrong doing, the FBI agents said it was clear I had no idea what was going on…but lesson learned. If your roommate is cagey with you about how they pay rent, it’s probably not good.
7) The Role Player
One of my friends had a housemate with a rather interesting routine… and he had (as far as I know) absolutely no idea that anyone else was aware of it.
His first step – at least from what I could hear – would be to close his door and address some imaginary woman who had apparently sneaked inside when he wasn’t looking.
“Well, what are you doing here?” he’d say, his voice audible through the wall. “Uh huh. Oh, really? Well, I guess I’d better take my pants off, then.”
A few seconds would pass, after which he would speak again. “So, how about you get naked, too? I’ll just lay here and wait for you to be ready. Oh, you’re ready now? Well, go ahead and climb on top of me, then.”
It would be several minutes before anything else would become audible… but then the next part of his routine would begin. Anyone within earshot would hear the guy’s bedroom door open and then slam, after which he’d sprint down the hallway to the bathroom and slam that door. He’d be in there for a few minutes, the toilet would flush, and then we’d all be treated to a second performance of him slamming the door, running down the hall, and locking himself in his bedroom.
So, in short order, his routine went like this:
“Oh, look, a sneaky woman!”
“Now we’re both naked!”
More rapid footsteps
From what I’ve heard, he’d do this every night. At one point, someone suggested that he might have been talking to a webcam model or something, so they “accidentally” reset the router after hearing the guy’s door close… but he went right through the same routine, talking to someone who wasn’t there before beating a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
8) The Kettle Shitter
He shit. In the mother. Fucking. Kettle.
Fuck you, John.