Supermarkets across the country have reported plummeting sales of toilet paper after The Sun newspaper posted a free edition through every letterbox in the country.
Concerned executives from Andrex, Velvet and Cushelle have been attending hastily convened management meetings to discuss their market’s new entrant, and the threat it poses to their businesses.
As one executive explained, “It’s a worrying time for toilet paper manufacturers, for sure – we simply can’t compete when News International start giving away free toilet paper like this.”
“I would love to give everyone in the country a free sample to try cleaning their anus with, but we simply don’t have their resources.”
“Obviously we believe our product is better than theirs, but for some reason the public seems to derive a perverse sense of pleasure from wiping their collective arses on the pages of the The Sun.”
Free copy of The Sun
Consumer Simon Williams spoke of the change in his shopping habits.
He told us, “This free sample is a bit thinner than a normal copy of The Sun, so it might not last me all week, but at least I’m putting it to use as it should be used.”
“I’ve always been a fan of using toilet paper, but this makes going to the toilet an absolute pleasure. I’m even smiling at the thought of possibly getting diarrhea. Isn’t that great?”
“And better still, do you know what’s better than wiping your arse on a copy of The Sun?”
“Wiping your arse on a copy of the The Sun that Rupert Murdoch had to pay to give to you.”