In partnership with Clash of Kings: The West.
The festive season is rapidly approaching, and most of us are struggling to get something that resembles our sh*t together after statistically the worst year on record. Ever.
Many of us are hoping to be snuggled up next to a cozy open fire, tucking into left-over turkey sandwiches and nodding knowingly at a cheeky picture of Father Christmas, as the kids play with overpriced ‘toys’ you buckled under pressure to get them. This, is a picture of festive bliss.
Unfortunately, in reality we’re probably going to fail miserably at Christmas, because it’s 2016 and screw you. Here’s 5 signs you’re a Christmas n00b and why you’re doing everything wrong.
You look like a dancing turkey during the work night out.
The work Christmas party is a strange and confusing time. You have to see the people you usually politely nod at in the corridor vomiting into their own hands as they try desperately to slide across the dance floor on their knees “ironically”. Also you know you can’t dance for crap but after a couple of eggnogs, you’re willing to give it a go.
You thought you could cook your first Christmas dinner the Gordon Ramsay way.
Remember when you were little and watching your parents rustle up a Christmas feast was a huge part of the big day? They always made it look so easy and it tasted like actual heaven. Now you’re older and you’ve actually got to take some responsibility for yourself, you’ve decided to give it a crack. How hard can it be, right?
It’s very hard and you’ve ruined Christmas for everyone. GG, well done.
Clearly not everyone could be Lebron James when they try to dunk the ball.
When God was handing out athletic ability, he took one at you thought his time would be better spent making stick insects. So when it comes to ‘family game time’ you’d rather be rather dig your own eyes out with your uncles set of decorative spoons. The family games of today are complicated, energetic and scary and your 7-year-old cousin Steven can beat you at them all hands down. What happened to Kerplunk and Hungry Hippos? You were good at them. Plus, you’d wipe the floor with that little idiot Steven. Goddamn Steven.
You think you might be allergic to iron after your first weight-lifting experience.
The post-Christmas gym session is the single most depressing thing a human being can do to themselves. That’s a scientific fact. Walking through the doors to be greeted by a weird mixture of overly-muscular Oompa-Loompas and saggy, wheezing “New Year, New Me” types. You kid yourself that you’re somewhere in between the two groups but in reality you’re the latter. Christmas has not been kind to your body and you’ve only yourself and putting pigs-in-blankets on every meal to blame.
You constantly feel dominated by paid users in games
The one thing you can count on when you get away from the family for 5 minutes is kicking back with your games. After getting set up and ready to go, imagine your heartbreak when some paid user gets up in your face and ruins your day. Thankfully, it doesn’t always have to be like this.
In recent years, the App store has become dominated by “Pay-to-Win” games, making non-paying users feel inferior as compared to the paying users. On the contrary, this is not the same case for “Clash of Kings: The West”, a free-to-play mobile game with proven statistics of non-paying users overthrowing paying users through smarter tactics.
Clash of Kings have given UNILAD readers an exclusive festive package. All new users can redeem this via their in-game mailbox by installing the game via one of the download links below!
Test your skills now and play against the odds of you winning!
This post was brought to you by Clash of Kings: The West.