Star Wars is great. Videogames are great. The two have met many times over the years, and we’ve had some incredible games to show for it. Battlefront, Knights of the Old Republic, LEGO Star Wars, Rogue Squadron – the list goes on. Try and remember those titles before we go on.
See, sadly, we won’t be talking about good Star Wars games today. Today we delve into the dark side, and pull out five of the shittiest pieces of shit to ever have disgraced Star Wars in the name of interactive entertainment. Why? Because I want to bum myself out, I guess.
A Star Wars real-time strategy game that follows a young Imperial officer as he rises through the ranks, only to discover that the Empire killed his dad, causing him to betray the Empire to the rebel Alliance? Fuck yeah.
Sadly, Force Commander took all the ingredients for what could have been a memorable (maybe even amazing) game, and shat them up the wall. Even for the time, the visuals were inexcusable, the controls were awful, and as for the user interface – well my god, just look at the image above.
If you’re after a dose of tactical Star Wars goodness, just go and play Republic Commando instead. Don’t look at this anymore. Just don’t do it. Why are you still doing it?
Star Wars: Obi Wan
In case you needed more proof that the prequel trilogy was a foaming, gushing geyser of shit that never stopped oozing mediocrity and disappointment, take a look at Obi Wan – an Xbox exclusive that was shrugged into existence to make a quick buck.
You play – prepare yourselves here – as Obi Wan prior to and during the events of the “first” Star Wars film. I don’t wish to speak its name.
The idea of playing as Obi Wan (even if he is rocking that awful force braid), using his force powers, and getting into Lightsaber battles definitely sounds cool as fuck on paper. Unfortunately, dull level designs and a horrendous camera ensured you’d only play this title for about Wan minute.
They even managed to take the climatic battle with Darth Maul – the only redeemable part of that stain of a movie – and make it insanely boring. GG everyone. G fucking G.
Star Wars: Episode I – Jedi Power Battles
Ah, another game based on Episode I. Once again, we have a game with an intriguing premise that fell apart because of poor design and sloppy development.
In a two player bonanza, you could choose between five Jedi Knights, including Obi Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn, and that bad motherfucker Mace Windu.
A lot of people remember this game fondly, and everyone is allowed an opinion of course. Still, I have to point out that nostalgia is a powerful tool, and that putting yourself through a sea of repetitive, plodding battles with ferociously awful controls that lead to all manner of cheap deaths was not actually very fun. Sorry to burst the bubble.
The opening cinematic was pretty cool, to be fair – but that ultimately makes things all the more frustrating when you finally hit the start button and the game turns out to be wank.
Star Wars: Jedi Arena
Can you guess what famous Star Wars scene the above screenshot is based on? That’s right! It’s the moment from A New Hope when Obi Wan teaches Luke Lightsaber combat, with the aid of a hovering blaster droid. Well done, you.
Now, just because Jedi Arena came out for the Atari 2600 33 years ago doesn’t mean it gets a pass. I refuse to let my grandad get away with his own brand of “light hearted” elderly racism, and I refuse to let old games get away with being shit just because they’re old.
It basically plays like Pong, but much more confusing and not as accessible. The graphics and sound just weren’t up to snuff with other efforts from the time – there simply wasn’t enough on offer, and Jedi Arena smacks of a franchise milking cash grab. Still, at least it’s not as bad as E.T…
Star Wars Demolition
Much like Jedi Power Battles, a lot of fans have fond, nostalgia fuelled memories of Demolition. Although unlike Jedi Power Battles, most people who did enjoy it could still see that it was actually pretty shit at the time.
So the Empire has showed up on Tatooine and banned podracing (good, it was shit). Obviously Jabba needs something else to entertain the masses since that Cantina band only know the one song. As a result, he comes up with a demolition derby type contest, because otherwise Star Wars Demolition just wouldn’t make any sense, silly.
What we got were piss poor graphics, vehicles that didn’t move even slightly like they were supposed to, and game breaking bugs that involved you getting stuck in environments. IGN actually gave it an 8/10, which is pretty funny.