There have been some absolute smashers out this year. With highlights including Inherent Vice, Birdman, The Walk and Spectre we’ve been bloody spoiled. Or have we? True to form there have been some absolute shockers too. So which have been the very worst films of the last year. In no particular order he we go.
From the opening, self-indulgent song this film highlights everything that is lazy about Seth MacFarlane and has none of the wit and intelligence that has made Family Guy such an overwhelming success. Jokes are overdone, repeated and dragged out to the point of tears and the reliance on the ‘callback’ formula is at times embarrassing. Very occasionally a joke will land and Mark Wahlberg isn’t awful – it’s just everything else is. To top it all off the plot sees Ted fighting for his civil rights – and the film wants to highlight this, but it only succeeds in poking fun and cheapening the efforts of people who actually have to. Not what they were going for I assume.
Well, it just continues the downward trajectory of the series really. Liam Neeson’s action hero does his usual ‘don’t fuck with me’ stuff whilst managing to look pretty uninterested in what’s going on around him – unsurprising since he only agreed to do the first film because it ‘represented a distraction.’ Thankfully, it’s rumoured that this is the final instalment in the franchise so Neeson can stop getting all riled up, put away his bloody fists and stop pummelling our brains with them. This ends here.
Oh Jonny, where did it all go so massively, unbelievably, nipples everywhere, tits-up? Jonny Depp’s horribly flagging career has surely taken what could turn out to be a knockout blow with this one. Although it’s incredibly hard to tell, I think Mortdecai was trying to pitch itself somewhere between The Thomas Crown Affair and one of the less-funny Pink Panther sequels. Depp seems pretty committed to his character, but the character is annoying, flimsy and well, shit. The film quickly becomes like running a marathon through quicksand wearing a suit of armour and you have to wonder why Depp took the job – assuming he read the script. This is truly terrible stuff.
Directed by Joe Lynch, Everly is the story of a woman (played by Salma Hayek) fighting back after four years as a yakuza sex-slave against some heavily stereotyped Japanese villains in order to save her daughter. Sounds good no? Well I hate to disappoint but it isn’t. It appears that in this ‘shocksploitation’ excuse, Lynch couldn’t muster enough comedy to make this anything more than a pathetic nod to the retro Grindhouse movies that Tarantino and Rodriguez did so well. Watch Planet Terror, it’s much better and she has a gun for a leg.
Never has a film lived up to its title so spectacularly. The normally comfortingly amusing Vince Vaughn stars as an over-worked father whose job takes him and two twat colleagues (Tom Wilkinson, Dave Franco) to Europe. It never becomes obvious what their job actually is but suffice to say it doesn’t matter. Vaughn appears to channel the worst aspects of every character he’s ever played (so, not many), Wilkinson plays an overly sweary, overly horny, drug fuelled moron while Franco manages to make playing a simple idiot look draining. The film relies on the age old combo of people getting pissed and women getting their tits out for its laughs. Throw in some gag-inducing scenes set in Berlin – including a gay-fetish jamboree and Oktoberfest – a few hammy appearances from Sienna Miller and you’ve got something which is much less than the sum of its parts.
Why does a guy with the comedy talents of Adam Sandler make shit like this? Remember that film he was in about a magic remote control? This is, hands down, a billion times worse. Sandler ‘stars’ in the loosest possible sense, as a shoe maker who finds an enchanted sewing machine that lets him literally becomes whoever’s shoes he wears. That’s the plot. it just couldn’t even dream of being any good. Also not sure what to make of the creepy bit where he dates his own mother.
This one makes it on just for the sheer awfulness of John Travolta’s hair piece. However, the face-melting carnage of his wig is also reflected in the quality of the film in which he plays the least convincing art forger-thief that I have ever seen. Travolta is accompanied on a needlessly complex heist by his father (Christopher Plummer) and son (Tye Sheridan) seeming to flip at random between a sort of regular nice guy and a poor interpretation of a cold, hard tough guy – neither of which are anything approaching believable. The best thing about this film is how truly bad the acting is.
Fifty Shades Of Grey
Unfortunately for this excuse for an adaptation it looks like Sam Taylor Johnson couldn’t make the sexy drama that Fifty Shades’ fans wanted. It isn’t sexy, it’s just a glum fifty shades of boring, dour grey. To be fair the only thing in existence that is worse than it is EL James fucking awful book which somehow passed off as an international best-seller. Sadly though, the box office cleaned up, so we probably have plenty more shades of shit to look forward to.
Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart, we can all agree they are funny guys. So teaming them up in a film directed by writer of Tropic Thunder Etan Cohen should be a barrel of laughs. Nope. The film relies on shockingly, and offensively un-clever jokes about race and sexuality that are so outdated it’s hard to comprehend how anyone allowed it to get out into cinemas. It’s the worst thing Ferrell has ever done.
Monsters Dark Continent
2010’s Monsters was one of the greatest indie film achievements of recent times and propelled director Gareth Edwards towards Godzilla and Star Wars. This sequel doesn’t even come close. In fact it should be ashamed to call itself Monsters. Directed by Tom Green, the follow-up does manage some decent effects with a limited budget, but offers nothing beyond that. The plot is paper thin, badly formed and seems pretty sexist to be honest, as any female characters seem to end up naked at some point in the film. In spite of the promise of excitement it actually ends up a massive bore-fest.