With both the BAFTAs and Oscars on the horizon, we thought we would put forward a few suggestions for the respected judging panels to consider before they nail down their final decisions.
We thought it might be better if they cast the net a little wider this year, maybe moved away from the more boring categories that no one really takes any notice of and embrace some of our alternative award ideas…
Worst Sex Scene – Fifty Shades Of Grey
Lets face it, the only reason anyone bothered to trudge out of the house to watch this film was for the ‘graphic’ sex scenes between Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson that we were promised. Imagine the disappointment when what you are actually greeted with is the cinematic equivalent of someone throwing a feather at you. There isn’t even any sex until about 45 minutes in and it’s about as ‘vanilla’ as it gets – apart from a speed-of-light flash of Dornan’s old chap. It’s not adventurous in the slightest, don’t look to it for inspiration. Sadly though, the box office cleaned up, so we probably have plenty more shades of shit to look forward to.
Worst Musical Sequence – Ted 2
The best thing about the over-elaborate, uninspiring, self-indulgent opening credits sequence in Ted 2 is that it sets a precedent for how mind-numbingly disappointing the rest of the film is. Ted, surrounded by hundreds of dancers, struts his tedious moves on top of some big things – a giant wedding cake and a massive piano for example – for about three minutes – and it seems like a fucking age. The scene is a wildly unwelcome indulgence and simply highlights everything that is lazy about the film as a whole.
Most Disturbing Scene – Human Centipede 3
This highly prized accolade must go to ‘The Kidney Rape Nightmare’ brought to us buy the lovely minds behind the Human Centipede franchise. The scene in question sees Prison warden Bill Boss (Dieter Laser) have a nightmare in which he is – not to put it too bluntly – ‘gang death raped’. Boss is shanked in the kidney by an inmate he had castrated earlier in the film who then proceeds to have sex with the orifice whilst the others hold him down. Even for the Human Centipede this is pretty grim stuff – so, the sex-gore-shock franchise have done it again. Congratulations I suppose.
Worst Hair – John Travolta (The Forger)
There was only ever one contender in the running for this one and that is John Travolta’s hair piece in The Forger. Brilliantly the director seems to have used the unquestionable carnage that is his barnet to inspire the standard for the entire film as Travolta manages to put in one of the least convincing performances not just of his career, but of anyone’s career ever.
Worst Performance – Jonny Depp (Mortdecai)
Jonny Depp. I know right, I must have it wrong – everyone’s favourite effeminate pirate/Tim Burton comic trailblazer nails down worst performance of 2015. I stand by it – mostly because Mr Depp has set himself such high standards in the past that his efforts in Mortdecai are so disappointing as to be unforgivable. Sadly it is symptomatic of Depp’s horribly flagging career which may have taken a knockout blow with this one. In his defence he seems pretty committed to the character, but only succeeds in being annoying as shit and, just in case you were wondering, the film is a crock of shite as well.
Grimmest Death Scene – Bone Tomahawk
In the words of my colleague: “It won’t be for the all star cast this movie will be remembered, but instead the absolutely fucking awful death scene it contains.” Put your hands together as we welcome to the stage Bone Tomahawk. The two-minute scene to which we are referring features mums’ favourite Kurt Russell watching on helplessly as his mate is stripped and scalped with a tomahawk only for his now liberated scalp to be stuffed in his mouth using the shaft of the tomahawks as a ramrod – breaking his teeth in the process. But wait, there’s more. He’s then turned upside down and – starting from his balls – cut down the middle and pulled apart. It really is lovely stuff.