I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Here’s What Happened

By : Simon E SmithTwitterLogo

swingers 1 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedNew Line Cinema

It’s been a while. In fact, if I’m being honest, it’s been over a year since I’ve gone to bed with anything other than Netflix and a nice peppermint tea.

So, fuelled by a mixture of desperation, curiosity and an obsession with Louis Theroux’s Swingers episode, I headed online to find a way to end the dry spell.

At 1am on a Sunday morning, I headed to a suburb in East Manchester to a swingers’ club I’d found online.

The club advertises itself as having a laid-back atmosphere, stressing that singles are welcome and women are shown maximum respect.

The address turned out to be a terraced house flanked by a funeral parlour and a bookies. As I crossed the road from the car park the smell of fish and chips hit me from ‘Codfellas’ corner chippy. Oh the glamour…

swingers 2 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedWikimedia

Wearing a suit, I felt desperate and overdressed, at this point.

The ‘club’ door had a black laminated film over it in which I was able to check my tie and collar. After pressing the buzzer, the lock clicked open and I made my way into a grotty foyer closing the door behind me.

Several minutes went by and fearing a Mancunian version of Saw, I was about to leave when the inside door swung open.

A sweating overweight middle-aged man wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh towel peered through the gap and, in a thick Liverpudlian accent, said: “Fucking hell it’s James Bond. You coming in son?”

swingers 3 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedColumbia Pictures

With the door now ajar I could hear the sound of Duran Duran’s The Reflex mixed with sounds of men and women laughing. I nervously paid for a ‘day pass’ and slid past terrified yet curious as to what I was walking into.

In the bar area, four men stood in a semi-circle around one middle-aged women who was leaning heavily into the counter. Each man was wearing only a towel. The one woman was a wearing a black basque.

The owner who’d greeted me at the door told me if I hurried I could ‘get stuck into some couples in the Jacuzzi area,’ which was quite the ice-breaker. I cautiously handed over my car keys and phone and in return was provided with a condom and an over-sized blue towel adorned with a cartoon muscle man.

After changing in a makeshift carpeted locker room on the first level, I decided to explore the three narrow floors. The rooms looked like a mix between that mirror scene from Enter The Dragon and a BDSM dungeon.

swingers 4 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedUniversal Pictures

Each room was kitted out with giant red-leather divans and tiny American diner booths. From the ceilings hung black harnesses and dimly-lit Athenian statues had been placed in alcoves, like mini-shrines to the Gods of shagging.

As I made my way into one room and began inspecting an A4 sign reading ‘Viagra tablets and jellies available at reception’, I heard shuffling and ruffling in the darkness.

After a high-pitched moan, an Indian man emerged followed by another lanky man with ginger hair. Both were naked and patted each other on the back happily, as one announced: “That’s my fill for this week. Thanks John.”

Back down at the bar, the two couples from the Jacuzzi room were now taking a well earned break. They were in their 40s and of Eastern European descent. A very large woman – the scouser’s partner – had appeared behind the bar and, puffing on a giant pink e-cig, she starting passing around a bowl of cheesy wotsits.

swingers 5 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What Happened

I perched on a stool next to the woman in the basque and ordered a soft drink. Her name was Lizzie and she told me she taught at a primary school in the area.

The converted house wasn’t licensed and the bar top was filled with half-drunk 20cl bottles of whisky and vodka brought by customers. Underneath the plastic bar top cover, were old polaroids taken of previous special nights. They looked like behind-the-scenes photos from a cheap 80’s porn movie: bushes, moustaches and perms galore.

The couples began ordering cups of English Breakfast tea, condoms and lube. I received a limp embrace from one of the women who looked like a burned out caricature of Pamela Anderson. She was so drunk she fell off me and into a coat rack which she clung on to like her life depended on it.

As the foursome left for a second round and so to my opportunity of getting ‘stuck in,’ I surveyed the rest. A lad in his early 20s sat at the bar sipping on a can of Carling. Behind him stood a man in his fifties wearing a frayed Eric Cantona towel. He looked like if Daniel Craig had spent every day of his life on a sunbed and completely sacked off the gym.

swingers 6 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedFlickr

Cut to 15 minutes later and, having become bored, I’d taken my drink into the snooker room that also housed an overflowing Jacuzzi on a cracked-tiled floor.

While re-reading a ‘WHEN YOU GET THE MONEY, YOU GET THE POWER’ Scarface poster for the hundredth time, things took a sudden turn for the strange. Well, stranger.

Lizzie came running in the room dragging the lad by the hand behind him. She threw herself on the snooker table – balls flying everywhere – and immediately removed her underwear.

Watching him go down on her as he wore a Union Jack towel embroidered with the Queen’s face I couldn’t help but stare. And the fact he’d rammed his Carling can in a middle pocket was more impressive than funny.

swingers 9 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What HappenedNew Line Cinema

Within minutes, however, she’d grown restless and dismissed him with a heel to the forehead. She spied me flipping beer mats in the corner and made a beeline like a pissed off Ronda Rousey. Disgusted, the lad yanked his Carling from the pocket, slammed the green ball into a hole and scuttled off.

For the next 20 minutes I felt like Vince Vaughn in the Wedding Crashers bed scene. Fortunately, I did manage to pull the complimentary condom from my arse where it had become wedged as she mounted me like a pommel horse.

Somewhat shaken, I hobbled back to the bar to collect my keys and phone before I changed. The Daniel Craig lookalike approached me and smiled, “First timer then? How did you find her?”

I muttered a ‘very good’ and he nodded replying with: “Yeah my wife and I have been coming here a while. Took a bit to get my head around it at first but I’m just about comfortable with it now.”

swingers 8 I Spent An Evening In A Swingers Club, Heres What Happened

As I was leaving, I could just about the hear the lad who’d been dismissed crack open another beer. He’d groaned, ‘that happens every fucking time I’m here.’

I made a swift exit at that point and headed home, after stopping for a Codfellas first. Obviously.

On reflection, I probably wouldn’t go back. The sheer awkwardness and men to women imbalance added a layer of seediness that was hard to ignore. In my opinion, swinging is best suited for bored middle-aged couples.

That said, in another year’s time, depending on how things play out, I may find myself donning that Winnie-the-Pooh towel and giving it another go.