If 2015 was a boxing match between science in one corner and religious/pseudoscience nonsense in the other then it’s fair to say that the rational man in the white lab trunks with a fondness for writing equations on blackboards knocked the lad holding the holy water the fuck out, and here’s how…
Landing On A Comet
When Newton first proposed his laws of universal gravitation, the cornerstone of physics, I wonder if he thought that one day they’d be used to put a robot the size of a washing machine onto a lump of rock and ice speeding through the cosmos at 135,000km/h. But I’m sure if he knew that this year science managed to put a lander onto the Rosetta comet he’d allow himself a wry smile, and an apple. Probably.
Detecting Possible Alien Built Structures
Somewhere, most likely in my own head, FBI Agent Fox Mulder read this year’s story about a possible alien mega-structure orbiting a distant star, dropped his coffee in shock, fist pumped the air and bellowed ‘fucking yes’ right there in the middle of in the underground carpark where he was meeting deepthroat. Well, let’s face it, the possibility of an Iain M. Banks style alien-built superstructure orbiting a star is pretty fucking amazing and that’s what emerged this year as scientists struggled to explain anomalous data coming from star KIC 8462852 (snappy name) and claimed that “it’s the kind of the thing you’d expect an alien civilization to build”.
NASA Finds Evidence Of Water On Mars
This year NASA finally managed to locate the long suspected presence of water on the red planet, a hopeful precursor to the discovery of life, or even the remains of extinct life on Mars. That way David Bowie can hopefully sleep at night, happy that he knows that there is life on Mars. Images from satellites orbiting the planet indicate that salty water flows down the side of canyons in the summertime.
Doctors Give Man First Bionic Penis
How must infamous dick-amputee John Wayne Bobbitt be feeling now, reading the news that science has managed to give a man the world’s first bionic penis? Probably a bit shit seeing as his enraged wife chopped off his knob and fucked it into a field causing it to be surgically reattached yet still looking like a half inflated water balloon filled with piss. However, this year doctors have successfully managed to provide Scottish man Mohammed Abad with a brand new 8-inch penis after his was torn off in a childhood car accident. The University of London team spent 3-years crafting the penis from skin grafts taken from Mohammed’s arm and becomes erect by being pumped full of fluid activated by a special button near Mohammad’s remaining testicle. The operation was so successful that it will allow Mohammed to even start a family if he so chooses, top work science! Although giving him an 8-incher seems a bit dangerous and will definitely lead to a spate of mini-dicked lads castrating themselves with rusty penknives in the hope that science gives them a new one.
ISS Astronauts Grow Veggies In Space
One of the sticks used to beat Ridley Scott’s film The Martian was the seeming impossibility that an astronaut, Matt Damon, would be able to survive on Mars by growing spuds but those stick-bearing naysayers can turn the stick on themselves and pelt their arses raw because this year science did basically the same thing. That’s right, astronauts aboard the International Space Station managed to cultivate some lettuce in the confines of an orbiting space-lab! The crop, given the name “Veg 01”, was a major milestone on the road to the Mission to Mars and is an important step for humanity surviving for extended periods in space. Although apparently lettuce requires more energy to digest than it gives so we’re still a bit fucked.
EM Propulsion Drive Is Actually Possible
Despite it violating the laws of physics and sounding like something Isaac Asimov dreamt up, the EM Drive (electromagnetic) may actually be possible after scientists published promising findings this year. The EM Drive is powered using microwaves converted directly into electricity, negating the need for any rocket fuel, meaning that mankind is one step closer to long manned missions to other stars.
New Horizons Probe Reaches Pluto
After 10 years and 3.6 billion miles the New Horizons probe finally reached the dwarf planet this July with initial discoveries suggesting that the world has giant ice mountains, lumpy terrain some weird dark spots and a heart shaped feature, so sort of like an acne-ridden teenagers face seen in close up.
Researchers Develop Bacon Flavoured Seaweed
Shut up and take my money! This year scientists have developed a species of seaweed that is better for you than kale and reportedly tastes like bacon. Now if they get to work on some couscous that doesn’t taste like wet sand and water that tastes like something then I’ll drop this weight in no time at all. Researchers at Oregon State University’s Hatfield Marine Center created the possibly new superfood from a strain of seaweed called dulse that grows in the Pacific and when cooked tastes like bacon and is packed full of minerals and protein.