Did you know there’s an actual awards ceremony for the worst descriptions of shagging in modern fiction? No, neither did we. And yet here we are.
The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards, organised by The Literary Review, is an annual celebration of “the most egregious passage of sexual description in a work of fiction”.
The awards are now in their 23rd year and apparently none other than Morrissey is the favourite to take home this year’s award. Knowing how much he loves to think of himself as a wordsmith, I bet he’s feeling miserable now.
In a statement, The Literary Review said it had been a good year for bad sex:
The books in question demonstrate the rude health of modern fiction. Morrissey’s appearance represents the first time an author from the distinguished Penguin Classics stable has made it onto the shortlist. This year’s authors also include a celebrated screenwriter of The Wire (Pelecanos) and a writer well known for her exploration of female desire (Jong).
Check out some extracts from the seven contenders for this year’s award below…
1) Against Nature, by Tomas Espedal
She grasps his long hair with both her hands and rides him as if he were a horse.
2) Before, After, During, by Richard Bausch
When she took him, still a little flacid, into her mouth, he moaned, ‘Oh, lover.’
3) Book of Numbers, by Joshua Cohen
Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.
4) The Martini Shot, by George Pelecanos
‘I love your cock,’ she said.
‘It loves you.’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Touch my ass.’
5) The Making of Zombie Wars, by Aleksandar Hemon
…He was about to start thinking about himself when she bit his cheek, as if eager to spread the pain, and it hurt and he loved it and he could feel the skin was broken and he started coming and so did she.
6) Fear of Dying, by Erica Jong
While I lie next to him, astounded by his presence still, he opens my silk robe and touches my cunt as if he were Adam just discovering Eve’s pussy.
7) List of the Lost, by Morrissey
At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.
Oh, and if you were wondering, last year’s gong went to Booker Prize winner Ben Okri for The Age of Magic, and this gem:
When his hand brushed her nipple it tripped a switch and she came alight. He touched her belly and his hand seemed to burn through her. He lavished on her body indirect touches and bitter-sweet sensations flooded her brain.
This year’s award will be announced at the very aptly named In and Out Club, in London, but they’re all winners in our eyes!