It’s coming to the end of the year, and with that, there’s plenty to look back on in the footballing world.
Some players have been good, some great, and others downright awful. Goals have ranged from the sublime, to tap-ins, to Chelsea’s frequent contributor, the Own Goal.
It might be customary to go through the best and the worst, and hand out awards for that, but today is not that day.
No, today, we’re handing out some slightly alternative awards.
Unlike most other awards ceremonies, that see Real Madrid and Barcelona players scoop the lot, we’re sticking to Premier League.
Here we go.
Cunt Of The Year
There’s only going to be one winner.
Yep, Diego Costa, it’s you. Making Pepe look like a choir boy, the Chelsea forward has been involved in controversy after controversy since his arrival in England.
That being said, at least Chelsea fans and Jose Mourinho loved him last season for his goals.
This term, they’ve dried up somewhat after he came back from the summer break overweight, and throwing his bib at Mourinho, in probably the most petulant display of the year – cements his place on the list.
Flop Of The Year
Radamel Falcao would have won this award last year, and he’s been even worse for Chelsea than he ever was for Manchester United.
The Blues are in dire need of goals, and the Colombian has provided one. Yep – one.
He’s now sat on the treatment bench, and will probably be shipped off in January, if Chelsea can find anyone to take him that is.
Diver Of The Year
Ashley Young is probably better at diving than Tom Daley at this point because he’s done it so many damn times.
The winger has a very unfortunate reputation for going to ground far, far too easily, and in a sport where players are not exactly renowned for staying on their feet, he is one of the worst culprits.
At times, it’s downright embarrassing, and even United fans have made it clear Young needs to stop.
Transfer Fuck Up Of The Year
It’s hard not to name Radamel Falcao here, but Jose Mourinho and Chelsea have far bigger issues (which tells you everything you need to know).
They’re currently watching Kevin De Bruyne tear up the Premier League for Manchester City – after watching the club buy him this summer, and letting him, Lukaku and Juan Mata go in the space of a few windows is coming back to haunt the Blues big time.
The Champions of England have seen their title defence flop in specular style, and their disastrous summer is a huge factor in this.
The only decent thing the club did was land Asmir Begovic – and boy what a good move that was, considering it’s about the only thing saving them from relegation.
Snake Of The Year
Predictably spoilt for choice here.
Fabian Delph probably wins out, simply for the statement he made to Aston Villa fans before running off to City.
Raheem Sterling is also a pretty good shout here, with his agent Aidy Ward pushing through a pretty controversial move to – you guessed it – moneybags City.
United fans would tell you Angel Di Maria hasn’t been much better, but the player wasn’t exactly loving life in Manchester under Louis van Gaal.
Crock Of The Year
The entire Arsenal team probably have a shout at winning the award as a collective, never mind having any single player.
Bar Joel Campbell, all of their outfield players have been injured at one point or another, but it’s not Jack Wilshere who takes the award this year.
Daniel Sturridge practically lives in the hospital, and despite his sublime goalscoring record, it’s still questionable if he should be kept on by Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool – with the German telling him he needs to learn the difference between serious pain, and just pain.
Wise words Jurgen. Wise words.
Managerial Speech Of The Year
Louis van Gaal is far more entertaining during a press conference than his side are to watch, and his Player of the Year awards speech (read drunken rant) was pretty much the greatest thing ever.
Jurgen Klopp came a close second with his joke about not being able to forget the ‘fucking defeat to Palace’, but for this year, LVG can lay claim to pretty much the only award for entertainment he’s going to get.
Meltdown Of The Year
A seven and a half minute post match interview qualifies tenfold as a meltdown, and that’s exactly what Jose Mourinho provided after seeing his side lose at home to Southampton.
Memorable highlights include ‘if you want to sack me, sack me’ and the tirade at officials – something we’ve been hearing a lot of this season.
Mourinho has looked like a man on the edge for most of this season, and it’ll be interesting to see how it plays out, with the manager never having to deal with a season of what looks like being utter failure before.
Phrase Of The Year
Why there were even any other contenders will remain a mystery.
Of course it’s WKD-drinking, partying-loving Jamie Vardy that gets the crown, with the immortal words ‘Chat Shit, Get banged’.
Ghandi couldn’t have done better. Take a bow son.
Cuddle Of The Year
A new award and one that’s for one man, and one man only.
‘Ibeeeeeeee’ is Jurgen Klopp’s favourite player, and their manager/player bromance is a joy to watch.
Klopp loves his cuddles, as Liverpool players are finding out, but he reserves the best for Ibe – and it should stay that way.
Recipient Of Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak
Lets do this in two halves.
Last season, Mesut Ozil was invisible for most of the season, and never turned up when the Gunners needed him most.
This season, he’s had something of a role reversal with Eden Hazard, who has gone from being the best player in the league by a country mile, to someone whose face belongs on a milk bottle.
Ozil is assisting everyone from Alexis Sanchez, to the club shop, in their quest to sell Christmas jumpers, whereas Hazard can’t seem to find the back of the net for love nor money at club level, and bar Mourinho borrowing Harry’s wand, things don’t look like they’re getting better for the winger.
Fans Of The Year
Of course it’s the Arsenal fans.
The #WengerIn, #WengerOut bridge are the ultimate keyboard warriors, and if there’s a Twitter poll in a 10-mile radius, you can bet the Gunners will make sure their player wins it.
Insufferable cunts is a better way to describe them really.