If Football Clubs Were Films, Here’s What They Would Be…

By : Rebecca KnightTwitterLogo

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From Barcelona to Stoke City, all football clubs have their own identities.

Ranging from the entertaining to the boring, the tiki-taka to the hoofing it up top, you can pretty much identify the key characteristics of most teams.

Given teams can be so easily recognised, it stands to reason that you could compare most of them to something right?

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From songs, to foods to alcoholic drinks, it’s actually quite fun to do, and you can even throw some serious shade as well.

Keeping that in mind, think of the football club you support – what film would they be and why?

Some are blatantly obvious, and others require a little more thought, so naturally, here are some of the best picks…

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AC Milan – The Godfather

Well, that’s what Silvio Berlusconi would like to think anyway.

These days, they’re more like the third in the Godfather trilogy. Once great, now lacking slightly.

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Arsenal – I Am Number Four

Why would you want to spend money to end up as possible champions when you could just keep that bank balance above the red line, rake in the interest, and finish in that ever reliable fourth place?

Arsene Wenger loves the top four, and sometimes even flirts with third place, but after the nosebleed of finishing third last term, he failed to buy an outfield player this summer, and will be back in his beloved fourth spot come May.

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Aston Villa – The Verge

Villa love to flirt with relegation.

In fact, it’s become a seasonally occurrence, with the club spending time in the drop zone, and then managing to escape towards the end of the season.

Villa have never actually been relegated from the Premier League, but the once great club seem to live on the edge these days.

Atletico Madrid – Rocky

No one thought Diego Simeone’s men would win anything, let alone beat Real Madrid to the Copa Del Rey in their own back yard – and win the Liga the season afterwards.

Cholo’s men were the underdogs, saw Neymar and Bale arrive that summer, and went to the Camp Nou on the final day of the season and came back from a goal down to win the league.

The entire collection of Rocky films probably don’t do their efforts justice.

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Basel – Braveheart

They might not be Scottish fighters shouting for freedom, but the Swiss side are the English destroyers in Europe.

Chelsea, Manchester United and Liverpool have all fallen foul of the club, but for all their pluck and guts, Basel might get an initial win in the group stages, but they’re never going to seriously conquer Europe.

Barcelona – Pitch Perfect

The best side in the world, with a front three who are so in song that they make even Gareth Bale, Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema look second rate at times.

Lionel Messi, Neymar and Luis Suarez are so in tune it’s hard to imagine a more perfect combination – but Barcelona managed to find one in Xavi and Andres Iniesta.

The duo knew where each other were without even having to look, but even when Pitch Perfect 1.0 were separated, Barca had a front three ready to star in the sequel.

Bayern Munich – Unstoppable

The Bavarians are like a train that won’t stop en-route to their domestic title, and never seem to do too badly in Europe either.

The club bulldoze everything that’s in their way, and even if they can’t beat one of their rivals, they go right out and buy the players who are causing them issues.

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Blackburn Rovers – Chicken Run

Former Premier League side turned play-off hopefuls Blackburn Rovers are owned by the hapless Venky’s, who also own a company that specialise in chicken meat processing.

Much has been made of the Indian family ruining what was previously a very well run club under Jack Walker.

Frankly, if Walker was the KFC of chicken outlets, the Venky’s aren’t even on a par with Dixy Chicken.

Borussia Dortmund – The Artist

The hipster’s choice.

Not to mention one that has now become surprisingly mainstream, and something everyone pretends to know about.

But really, bar a couple of players, could the vast majority of ‘BVB fans’ name their starting XI?

Probably not.

Chelsea – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Eden Hazard, Branislav Ivanovic and Diego Costa.

In all seriousness, is there a more apt film for Chelsea? They can be oh, so good at times, and let’s not forget, they are the Champions of England, but they can also be very, very bad.

This season, they’ve been surprisingly bad on the field, but usually, it’s their off the field antics that cause them problems.

In fact, at times, Costa and Mourinho’s behaviour is downright ugly, and that’s before we even bring the ‘Captain, Leader, Legend’ into it.

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Getafe – The X Files

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Real Madrid rejects always seem to end up on loan at Getafe before realising they’re never actually going to break through into the first team at the Santiago Bernabeu, and then making a permanent move there if no other options present themselves.

Espanyol could also qualify here with Barcelona’s La Masia rejects, although these days, none other than Stoke City are also giving them a run for their money.

Inter Milan – Sleeping Beauty

Once giants in Europe, Inter are a club who have won it all – a fact Jose Mourinho likes to bring up once or twice, yet their extended absence from the Champions League has been hard for their fans.

Now top of Serie A with Roberto Mancini in charge, fans thought the glory days could be back for the club who are a sleeping giant, but then they went and shipped four goals away at Fiorentina.

Judging by that, the prince might not have been to give them a kiss just yet.

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Leicester City – Sex Tape

We all know what three of the club’s players got up to this summer, there’s even video evidence to prove it…

Liverpool – One Night In Istanbul

The one night no football fan will ever forget.

Not only did it give us the infamous ‘five times’ but the game itself went down in footballing history, and is the most watched thing on the History Channel – sorry, LFC TV.

Liverpool fans are nothing if not predictable, but under Brendan Rodgers, even the most ardent of fans haven’t been crowing about it being ‘our year’ as much as usual.

Brendan Rodgers, who incidentally, could even star in his own film, Two Weeks Notice.

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Manchester City – Titanic

Assembled at huge cost, with plenty of records broken.

The envy of all of England, but no matter how much money is pumped into it (or how many lifeboats anyone provides) there really is no saving its voyage in Europe, where it will sink without a trace.

Manchester United – The Hobbit

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You know it’s expensive, and quite frankly, at times it’s pretty enjoyable to watch.

In fact, it’s almost like a process, but as good as it seems, everyone knows it will never be as good as what came before it.

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Newcastle United – Trainwreck

It’s pretty self explanatory, and really, the best way to sum the north-east club up.

From the ownership, to the management and the players, it really is a recipe for disaster, and one that looks like going all the way to the Championship.

Real Madrid – Wolf of Wall Street

Some people wouldn’t even sell Real Madrid a virus.

While it might be Barcelona players who are more fond of trying to evade the taxman, Real Madrid literally are the wolves of Wall Street. Their fax machine is even from Gordon Gekko’s era.

The Spaniards try and bully anyone and everyone to get what they want and normally, they succeed.

Stoke City – Hunger Games

Ryan Shawcross alone would give any tribute in the Hunger Games arena a run for their money, and as Aaron Ramsey will tell you, go to the Britannia at your peril.

The ‘doing it at Stoke on a Monday night’ has not come out of thin air, and while these days, Stoke are a different prospect under Mark Hughes with half of Barcelona B’s rejects in the side, they still have that grit about them.

Last season, the tackle Phil Bardsley put in on Eden Hazard was very nearly a leg breaker, showing he too would be a tribute his district could be proud of.

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Sunderland – Twilight

Utter shit.

Tottenham Hotspur – Groundhog Day

Every single season is the same.

The cycle almost makes you feel sorry for the fans, who are always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

It’s one thing after another for Spurs fans, who see the highlight of their season being a possible win over neighbours Arsenal.

They always hope for the top four, never make it, end up in the Europa League, waste their money in the summer on players who don’t add anything to the club, and repeat the process again.

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Vitesse Arnhem – Baby’s Day Out

Obviously.

Chelsea send all their kids here to get some experience before bringing them back to Stamford Bridge, realising they aren’t actually good enough, and selling them on to make a profit.

West Ham United – Road Trip

This season, the Hammers’ away form is the stuff of dreams.

They’ve become the first team in Premier League history to win at Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester City, which manager Slaven Bilic has called as good as walking into a pub full of girls.

Their home form leaves a fair bit to be desired, which is a shame given it’s their final season at Upton Park.

When it comes to away days however, they’re all blowing bubbles.

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