Professor Stephen Hawking has uncovered the mystery behind England’s lack of success in World Cups – by deciphering the optimum conditions needed for England to succeed this time around in Brazil.
And by the looks of things we might as well not get on the plane…
1. England are more likely to win a match if a European is refereeing the game to be ‘less sympathetic to ballerinas like Suarez’ and ‘more sympathetic to the English game’ – ten out of 33 FIFA World Cups referees are European – which means that Ballerina’s like Suarez will be able to get away with being ballerinas.
2. It looks like England goalkeeper Joe Hart will have to step up the spot, and Wayne Rooney will have to convert back to his bald ways if England find themselves in a penalty shoot-out situation. They have higher success rates of 84% and 71% compared to darker haired players who have 69% success. Great news for England then who are majority dark-haired.
3. The theorem also suggests that unless England are playing in England they are also doomed, as just a slither of a 5⁰C rise in temperature is expected to reduce their chances of winning by 59% – this would explain why no European team has ever won a World Cup held in South America where temperatures hit 30 degrees.
4. England are also twice as likely to win when playing in a stadium that is 500m below sea level… Brazil is 1,100m above sea level.
5. We also have to be playing in red kit at all times as England’s success rate has been 20% higher in coloured shirts and kick-off their matches at 15:00 local time – so the 23:00 Italy game wearing white kit should be a real success.