The official Celebrity Big Brother 2016 lineup has just been announced, or as I like to call it – Failed Fame Hungry Reality Star Big Brother 2016.
And yes, chances are you know fucking none of them – besides maybe Christopher Biggins, famed of course for playing himself in pantomimes for millennia.
Also in the show, which kicks off on Thursday, are Sam Fox, Marnie Simpson, Lewis Bloor, Stephen Bear, Katie Waissel, Christopher Biggins, Beth Chapman, Helen Lederer, Renee Graziano, Grant Bovey, Frankie Grande, Aubrey O’Day and Chloe Khan, reports the Mirror – and for all I know, the vast majority of these are just randomly generated names.
Here’s what you should know about the lot of them:
Sam Fox is one of the names from this list that I actually do recognise. Sam Fox is an 80’s pop icon however recently she’s spent her days as a reality star appearing on the likes of I’m A Celebrity and Celebrity Wife Swap.
Sam has reportedly been approached by the CBB casting crew countless times but now it would appear that she’s finally gave in.
And now the names of people I do not recognise begins.
Marnie is a 24-year-old Geordie Shore star who has apparently made quite the name for herself on the show and well… that’s about that.
Next up is Lewis Bloor. Once upon a time this talentless happy chappy featured on TOWIE and now he’s going to grace our screens once again – thank fuck.
Oh and just in case you weren’t dying of boredom at reality show relationships, the Daily Star insists that Lewis will ‘ensure there is plenty of romance’ in the house. Yay.
Stephen Bear is the kinda guy that’s got his own surname tattooed on his torso. He’s also a, you guessed it, reality star – nothing better than reality ‘stars’ doing reality TV.
Stephen is reportedly famous for appearing on Ex On The Beach where he met Queen of the Jungle turned Loose Women social speaker, Vicki Pattison, and subsequently began dating the gal.
As Vicki is a regular presenter on CBBBONTS it’s expected that things could get rather awkward considering the pair split up.
Katie Waissel I have literally never ever ever heard of. What’s she famous for? X Factor apparently.
Katie married model Brad Alphonso after only two months of dating, and as with lots of weddings after just 60 days of knowing one another, it didn’t end well.
It’s thought that Katie might open up about her failed marriage in the confines of the CBB house.
For the three weeks work that is CBB, Mr Christopher Biggins is expected to pocket a lovely £150,000. Not bad old boy.
Biggins is perhaps most well known for acting in Porridge back in the 70’s, as well as appearing on Come Dine With Me, Masterchef, I’m A Celeb, and pantomimes everywhere.
Now, I did not recognise Beth Chapman by name but after one quick glance it became obvious that she is the significant other of Duane Chapman – AKA Dog The Bounty Hunter.
It’s also thought that Beth could make CBB about as interesting as it’s capable of being, with a Channel Five source telling The Sun:
Getting Beth for the new series is a real coup for Channel 5. As reality stars go, she’s one of the world’s most recognisable, and she’s guaranteed to make great telly.
She catches criminals for a living, she’s not going to tolerate any z-lister hissy fits and egos from her new housemates.
If one things for sure it’s that this house is a rife melting pot of z-lister ‘celebrities’.
Now back to the people I didn’t know existed. Helen Lederer is apparently an Absolutely Fabulous star who has reportedly been targeted by CBB bosses numerous times in the past before finally giving in.
Helen plays Catriona in the franchise, and speaking to The Sun, she said:
I think in the Celebrity version at least you can close the door when you need a private moment.
Hoorah. Must be lovely to pick up a tasty pay packet while just slipping out the door.
Renee Graziano is one of the stars from Fiery Mob Wives who was picked for the show because of her infamous marriage to Mafia man, Anthony Graziano.
A source reportedly said that Graziano is set to be ‘an explosive housemate’, adding:
She takes no prisoners, and she won’t stand any nonsense. Producers think she’ll bring controversy from the get go – and anyone who crosses her will regret it.
She’s one of the most recognisable reality stars in the States, Mob Wives was a huge hit there.
Grant Bovey is the infamous ex of Anthea Turner, famed for his adulterous escapades and for going bankrupt – what great things to be famous for.
The property magnet and film producer apparently got into £50 million worth of debt – but he has bagged a six figure deal from CBB so it’s not all that bad Grant. Stick it in your piggy bank.
Frankie Grande is the little brother of Ariana Grande – because, you know, having the same surname as a celebrity now makes you a celebrity. Logic.
Besides this Frankie also has a rather large following on social media.
Here’s another so called celebrity that I’ve never heard of. Aubrey O’Day went bizarrely famous for about five minutes back in 2003 after she appeared on MTV’s Making The Band where she landed a place in Diddy Combs’ band.
However after falling out with Diddy Aubrey’s career took a nosedive and she was never seen again… Until now.
And Finally… Chloe Khan
Chloe Khan AKA Chloe Mafia is most famous after appearing on the X-Factor back in 2010.
Chloe made it through to boot-camp but was kicked off the show for bad behaviour.
Following her X-Factor flop Chloe found success with a ‘webcam business’ which can be found relatively easy online, bringing up numerous searches on porn sites across the globe which certainly bear a strong resemblance to the singing gal.
And there you have it.
Another show you should definitely not watch.
Remember the good old days when the celebrities on this show were actually famous for something instead of being famous for a false and tampered reality show or an eternity in panto.
Ah the good old days.