Did you hear the one about the Englishman, the Australian and the Taiwanese man?
Well you’re about to, as their brilliant story is one of flatulent nightmares, enough to ruin your nostrils just by reading it.
Our three musketeers had just finished a delicious curry feast at the Marrara Indian restaurant in Darwin, northern Australia.
After the meal they headed back to their hotel, taking the lift one floor to the rooms. Then the unthinkable happened – the lift broke, leaving them stewing in 38 degree heat and 99 per cent humidity, the NZ Herald reports.
But that was just the tip of the stinking iceberg for the three friends, whose delicious Indian meal soon came back to haunt them.
According to the NZ Herald, Ben Rose – the Australian of the trio – said: “The lift surged and went up and down, up and down again. The emergency lights went on and we realised we were in for the long haul”.
And then the nightmare began. Cega Wang, the Taiwanese member of the gang, quickly realised he needed to relieve himself, and warned his friends he ‘might need to wee in the corner’.
Not to be outdone the Englishman, Scotty Lintern, ‘apologised in advance’, as he warned his trapped companions his misjudged meal choice of a spicy laksa was starting to do terrible things to his stomach.
After a round of uncontrollable flatulence the lift soon resembled the inside of a particularly humid septic tank.
Mr Rose said:
We were struggling to breathe after Scotty’s little effort, there was a smell in that lift that I thought would outlast religion.Advertisement
Cega was deep breathing through a tiny crack in the elevator with tears in his eyes. He hasn’t spoken to us since. It’s been a long recovery after that day, but we’re getting there.
Hell would have been a few degrees cooler. It was more painful than I imagine childbirth would be, we were at our wit’s end.
Mr Lintern added: “It was hot as sin, we were all sweating profusely and sitting on the floor in little pools of our own sweat. Ben and I saw the funny side of things the whole way through but Cega looked a bit stressed. We’ve bonded over the experience but I think Cega might have filed for divorce.”
Then they did what everyone in an emergency in Australia does – they phoned the pub next door to deliver some beers.
Unfortunately for them, though, the beers couldn’t be shuttled into their pungent sweat box, although when they were finally free they more than made up for it.
Mr Rose said:
It was only half an hour but it felt like a week long ordeal.
We went straight out from the lift to the pub and cracked a few beers. Cega ran straight to the bathroom though and stood in the shower for half an hour.
The experience has earned Mr Lintern the nickname ‘the farting Englishman’, and despite the stench he still has fond memories of the curry house, although he hasn’t been back.
That’s probably for the best…